


Trust Me and Take a Chance

by casdeanbee



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe- No Supernatural, Bad Parenting, Barista!Castiel, Cas is 20, Cas needs a hug, Complete, Cute, Dean is 27, Dean is Awesome, Destiel - Freeform, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Epilogue, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Humor, Hair-pulling, Happy Ending, Love Confessions, M/M, Naomi is Nightmare Fuel, Naomi is awful, Naomi's bad parenting, Nightmares, Older Dean Winchester, Original Character(s), Protective Dean Winchester, Sick!Castiel, Smut, Therapy, Upset Castiel (Supernatural), writer!Cas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-17
Updated: 2019-06-20
Packaged: 2020-01-15 15:39:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 33,084
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18501949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/casdeanbee/pseuds/casdeanbee
Summary: Castiel gets kicked out of his family’s home into the cold night by his mother, Naomi. She can go to hell in his opinion.Everything seems like it's crumbling, but Cas finds himself being saved by his work colleague, Dean. The only problem is that he's been in love with the man since their second shift together. Cas doesn't know how Dean will take the situation, but to be frank he doesn't know how to take it either. Things keep bubbling up from his past and the only place he wants to be is with Dean.Is it possible Dean wants the same?





	1. Chapter 1

“You have no idea how hard this is!” Cas screamed at his mother. The breaking feeling inside him forced the words out of him. It was as if his words were just…empty space. They were falling on deaf ears, even though his mother could hear perfectly fine.

“You lower your voice right now, Castiel. This is not a _yelling contest!”_ She hissed at him.

It was four o’clock in the morning. He didn’t care. The neighbours were listening through the thin walls? What a surprise! They probably did that every night. Cas _hoped_ they were listening so he could show them how shit his home life was. “How am I supposed to get you to listen then?”

“Because you’re overreacting, Castiel! This is a despicable time to arrive home. Where have you been?”

Cas stormed over to her. He was slightly smaller but the fire in his eyes made up for it. “Working _my_ ass off to earn _my_ money which _you_ take from me to buy _your_ cigarettes.” Cas enjoyed the shocked look on her face. She thought she hid her habit, but he’d known for ages. He’d been waiting for the right moment, and he didn’t give her time to answer. “Yeah, I know you smoke them on fucking chain. You _reek_ of it.”

Cas’ mother – well, he didn’t really consider her _mother._ Fucking bitch is only Naomi to him. She’d never been worth the tag of _mother_. If that word ever left his mouth again, he’d spit it out.

Naomi went purple, her beady eyes stabbing into him like daggers. “Now you listen to me, you ungrateful _shit-”_

“Ooh? Swearing, are we? Go on, how selfish am I _this time?”_ Cas sneered.

“-I brought you into this world and you should show me some _respect._ I run this house and you _have to_ be here to look after your brothers. I have too many plans to cancel, and I won’t cancel for _anyone_. Not even you.”

Cas felt the anger bubble higher and higher. He felt like a human cauldron. He didn’t know what was going to explode, but it was going to _happen_. Years of fighting like this and he was at the end of his tether. He didn’t think he could live with it for much longer. It happened near enough every week, and it still always hurt to hear those things come from her purse-lipped mouth. It really hurt him.

“What about me?! What about _my_ life? You’ve never given a _fuck_ about me and you never will.”

“ _I don’t care? I_ put this roof over your head! You owe me a _lot_ young man! You never do as I say and it is infuriating! You may as well be no son of mine. You lead a ridiculous life.” Naomi shouted into his face.

“Fuck _you_ and your _roof!”_ He shouted back, earning himself a firm slap on his cheek. He felt the skin sting painfully.

“Get out.” Naomi suddenly said surprisingly calmly.

Cas looked at her through his eyebrows his frown was so deep. “What?”

“You heard me. Get out of my house.”

Cas was vibrating with pure rage, but he didn’t want to fight anymore. The bitch wasn’t worth it. “Fine.”

He quickly went across the room and grabbed his backpack, hugging it to his chest as he made his way to the front door.

After opening it, he looked back at Naomi standing there with her arms folded. “I fucking hate you.” He growled then slammed the door as hard as he could and stormed across the dark street. He ignored the small slivers of orange appearing at his neighbour’s houses where they’d turned on lights and were watching what he was doing through the crack in the curtains.

His footsteps felt loud as he walked across the darkened street. He was light on his feet like a cat, but the eerie silence had each step echoing in his ears. Every word that had been said still echoed in his ears as well.

_Ungrateful shit._

_No son of mine._

_Ridiculous life._

_Get out._

He shook his head in a hopeless attempt to clear his thoughts. It never worked.

He didn’t even know where he was going. His feet were just taking him places. He almost wished they’d lead him to a high place…and not stop, but no. He didn’t want that. It’s just how Naomi made him feel. She made his life seem worthless even though the bitch was the one who started it.

He worked at a service station for highway drivers and commuters to rest. It was a big place with several food restaurants, coffee shops, bookable motel rooms and regular shops selling books and candy and whatever. He worked in the coffee shop as a barista. Since he was trained well, he got decent money, and because he had the graveyard shift, a lot of people came to the shop with tired eyes and a shaking need for a caffeine fix.

Sadly, Naomi _did_ ask for most of his hard-earned money. She’d spend it on cigarettes and expensive scarves like it was nothing, lying that she needed it to feed the family which always twisted his arm. It really pissed him off. How could she expect him to be home when he was at work earning the money that _she_ spent?

And anyway, as much as he loved his brothers, he told himself he _would not_ spend all his time looking after them while his parents could go out and drink at the bar or go to some shitty one-time-showing at the theatre.

Huffing, he wrapped his arms around himself. The cool air was seeping into his bones quickly and his breaths turned white when they left his body. For the first time since he got kicked out, he wondered what he was going to do. It was freezing out, and he had nothing but a hoodie to keep him warm. A slither of panic made its way down his spine – or was it just the cold? He didn’t know.

This had happened before and it would happen again. Cas and Naomi never stopped fighting. She never let him just _be him_. He had to be _this_ , he had to be _that_. It was never _ever_ what he _wanted_. And she had the nerve to call him ungrateful.

Pot. Kettle. Black.

His dad never did anything either. He just let her get on with it, and that made Cas feel even shittier because when he was younger he trusted his dad. Look where that got him.

He crossed the temporarily abandoned road across to the park, suddenly walking quickly over to a wooden climbing frame and punching the side of it with a forceful hit. It made a thump and Cas barely found it in him to care when his knuckles screamed at him, the same as Naomi had been doing for the past hour. His hand throbbed and he cradled it to his chest, tears forming in his eyes because _what was he supposed to do?_

He tried to tell himself that he was twenty years old and he could handle himself, but he really didn’t think he could. His mom had been suffocating him his whole life: he didn’t have a car; no money of his own; no house; nothing. There was no escape. He felt homebound. Well, he _was_ really.

He leaned forward slowly until his head collided with the climbing frame, trying to stop his trembling lips from encouraging the tears to fall. He was done. He’d had enough and it was all too much.

Just as the sniffling started, his phone made him jump. The buzzing in his pocket distracted him and he picked it out with shaky hands, seeing who was calling. The caller ID pushed a little bit of relief against him.

“Hello Dean.” He said as normally as he could. It was hard though. He was getting colder and his coworker was clever; he’d be able to tell. Cas attempted to steel himself. He didn’t want his friend to know what was going on. He didn’t want to bother him.

“Hey Cas, I was just checking you got home okay.”

“Yeah, I’m home.” He said quickly, possibly too quickly. He could have punched himself.

“Good. Hey, is your mom okay? She didn’t flip off again, right?”

“Um, yeah, she’s fine. Smoked herself to sleep or something...” He trailed off and there was a silence for a few moments. He heard Dean sigh.

“Cas, where are you?”

“Home.” He repeated, trying not to shiver. He knew Dean would help him if he asked, but he didn’t like asking for things.

“You’re not though, are you.” His friend stated.

Cas bit his lip. “I- I’m home, Dean.”

“I can hear the wind buffeting your phone, Cas. Just tell me where you are and I’ll come get you.”

He shook his head even though Dean couldn’t see him. “I’m fine.”

He had known Dean for a year. They met at work, became good friends, and often did Night-Shift-A together. He’d been working with Dean that night, and his friend always called to make sure he was home safe.

Dean knew about Cas’ problems with Naomi. He knew Cas hated her with a passion and Cas guessed that Dean knew she took his money for herself. His family weren’t the most affluent, and it definitely took its toll.

Dean was twenty seven, quite a few years older than Cas, but he felt safe with Dean. He trusted him and Cas didn’t trust people easily.

“Cas, just tell me where you are, okay? I’ll bring you back here for the night.”

Cas did consider it, but he was scared for reasons he didn’t know of. He didn’t even think he really knew who he was as a person, what with Naomi being so overpowering. He’d never been allowed to think about college or anything to aspire to. According to Naomi, the only person he was, was a carer for his siblings. Not anything else.

He didn’t deserve Dean’s attention, he didn’t really think he deserved _anything_.

He hung up without hesitating, climbing under the cube-shaped climbing frame to sit underneath it. It had a slide at the top so there were tightly-fitted wood planks covering his head at least.

His phone beeped. He dared to look at it.

**_Dean: cas I’m worried, please tell me where you are_ **

He didn’t reply. What if Dean thought he was trouble, knowing that he got kicked out of his own house, and turned him away? He couldn’t manage the pain of that. It was like his mind was spiraling out of control with _what ifs_ and apprehension.

**_Dean: i’m coming to find you anyway, so even if you don’t tell me, I’ll be out driving around_ **

**_Dean: you don’t even have to explain anything. You can come home with me, take the guest bed, warm up and not have to be outside, cause I know you’re outside_ **

Dean’s persistent texting did eventually break Cas an hour later when he could barely feel his fingers. All he texted back was **_park_** and Dean was on his way in a flash.

It felt like hours until his friend turned up and found him under the climbing frame, muttering “oh Cas” as he pulled him out and walked him to the car.

Cas was frozen by then, constantly shivering. His skin was white and maybe Cas was getting sick from sitting there in the cold for so long.

“I’m s-sorry.” He mumbled as Dean guided him into the back seat before slipping in himself.

Cas didn’t feel surprised when he was wrapped in a blanket then a warm hug. He wanted to hide. Hide his face from Dean because he felt mortified about what had happened and how Dean had had to nag him to tell him where he was planning on spending the night. He settled for burying his face against Dean’s chest.

His friend’s softly spoken “it’s okay” was eventually what sent Cas over the edge. Tears started spilling out of his eyes and he couldn’t make it stop. He felt so alone and hurt and frustrated and _cold_ that he couldn’t hold it back. Dean’s comforting presence was too much for him to handle, and his control over how he was feeling slipped.

It felt like it went on and on. The crying persisted until Cas ran out of tears and Dean, having the patience of a saint, rubbed his back the whole way through, understanding how Cas felt as if he could feel it himself. He understood more than most what Cas was going through, and Cas refused to wonder how much worse his night would have been without Dean. Maybe not even just this night; maybe his _life_.

He stayed still for a good while, trying to collect himself after breaking down so hard.

When he looked into Dean’s green eyes, he could see the care and kindness in them. Dean was amazing. He wanted to thank him but didn’t know how.

“Sorry.” Cas mumbled, wiping his eyes with his sleeve.

Dean’s gaze remained soft, but he looked pained when he gently took Cas’ chin and tilted it to the side, getting a good look of the telling red mark across Cas’ cheek. “She did this?”

Cas nodded and glanced down at his hand which had started bleeding at some point. Dean’s eyes followed his gaze and his friend sighed, wrapping him in another hug. “Let’s get out of here.”

Cas nodded and stayed wrapped in the blanket quietly while Dean drove to his apartment. Cas had been there before work once and slept there a few times when their shift ran over - past three in the morning - and Cas couldn’t face going home, so he knew that Dean had a really nice place. He wanted somewhere like that of his own one day, but it was not in the near future _at all_. Not in this life.

He didn’t have time to dwell on his thoughts because before he knew it, Dean was leading him up the stairs to the apartment and they were both soon standing opposite each other in Dean’s living room.

“Here.” Dean handed him some clean sweats and an old, worn t-shirt. “They don’t really fit me anymore but they’re comfy.”

“Thank you.” Cas said. He didn’t know how he’d be able to thank Dean for everything else he’s done for him. If he was honest, he didn’t realise Dean cared that much.

The next half hour went slowly but sort of comfortably as Cas changed and got ready for bed in the bathroom. Dean had got ready for bed too and had tended to Cas’ busted knuckles while Cas sat on the closed toilet seat and Dean on the edge of the bath.

When it came to the time they were going to sleep, Dean showed him to the guest room just like he always did. Cas would have been mostly happy in there, but Dean shifted on the spot.

“Or, I mean, you could always come with me. Might help you warm up some more.”

Cas didn’t know what to say to that. Dean had never offered before, and when Cas _did_ eventually say something, it was along the lines of “yes” and he found himself being led into Dean’s room by their intertwined hands.

He watched Dean lie down on the bed and open his arms. The invite was too tempting, and Cas crumbled, nearly fully collapsing into Dean’s arms.

He immediately basked in the warmth when Dean pulled the blankets up over them and let his head rest on his friend’s chest, listening to the grounding heart beat while Dean’s fingers found their way into his mop of dark chestnut hair.

He fell asleep easily, and slept much better than he had for a very long time.

* * *

 

Cas woke with a start, feeling his body flinch and his lungs’ little gasp for breath.

It took him a moment to remember why he was in Dean’s bed, but it didn’t take long to figure it out. His memories swam around his head in his sleepy state and he squeezed his eyes shut, refusing to think about it.

It felt too painful somehow. It was like something was different, and after all… _he’d been kicked out_. He’d been thrown out of his own house and was now inside Dean’s.

He decided he felt well-rested despite the events of the previous night and opened his eyes a bit, seeing that he was alone in the bed. The blankets were up to his waist though, suggesting someone had pulled them up. _Dean._

He moved his arms and pushed up as he had been lying on his front, lifting his body up. He moved his legs so he was sitting on the bed with them curled underneath him. He moved his hand through his fluffed up hair and reached for his phone which was on the bedside table. It was buzzing so much it could have passed as a bee.

His heart sank when he saw that he had thirty two missed called from Naomi, and the texts were still coming through.

**_Naomi: Castiel, come home. We need to talk._ **

**_Naomi: Castiel, I mean it. Come home or there will be consequences._ **

**_Naomi: You’re in so much trouble. Don’t you dare ignore me._ **

**_Naomi: Castiel!_ **

**_Naomi: Get here NOW!_ **

He swallowed nervously and Dean chose this moment to open the bedroom door, startling Cas.

“Sorry. I was just fixing us some food.” Dean said, kicking the door closed with his foot since he was holding on to two white plates.

“It’s okay.” Cas replied, turning around and sitting back against the headboard, watching the messages carry on popping up on his screen. They were getting angrier.

**_Naomi: I know you’re seeing these, get back here right now._ **

**_Naomi: Don’t make me come and find you. This is ridiculous, Castiel, don’t be so stubborn._ **

**_Naomi: CASTIEL_ **

**_Naomi: GET HERE RIGHT NOW!_ **

He sighed and frowned, not wanting to read the messages anymore. Dean sat next to him and looked at the screen, seeing more and more messages coming through.

They sat in silence for a while, watching Naomi getting more impatient by the minute until Cas threw his phone a couple of feet across the bed. It landed face down with a soft thud when it hit the soft bedclothes.

“How can she say all that when _she_ kicked me out?” He mumbled, folding his arms, glancing at the buttered toast Dean had prepared for him.

“She _kicked you out?”_ Dean may as well have gasped.

“…yeah.” He admitted. “When I got home she was waiting up because I got back a little bit late. I only stopped to get a bottle of water from the corner shop thing. I was thirsty.” Cas shrugged. He didn’t meet Dean’s eyes.

To do something with his hands, he took one of the triangles of toast on his place and nibbled at it. Before continuing.

“She was yelling at me, saying she had been waiting even though she knew I was working. And then she started banging on about how I…how I’m apparently _ungrateful_ and how ridiculous my life is. She said she brought me into this world and about how she put a roof over my head.

“I confronted her about her smoking and said I didn’t fucking care about her roof. She hit me. Then she told me to get out. So I did. She said I was no son of hers, and it’s like that time she told me I didn’t deserve to be part of the family when she was drunk. I’m not worth anything, I…I don’t deserve to be cared for…” he admitted, feeling the urge to cry again. He pushed it back though, focusing on his toast and the fact that if he took small enough bites, the bread seemed to mystically dissolve in his mouth.

His toast revelation was interrupted by Dean placing his hand over Cas’, gently pushing it down so he wasn’t nibbling at the toast.

“Cas, look at me.” He said, so Cas locked his blue on green. Dean placed his other hand on Cas’ cheek, seeming to search for something in Cas’ eyes. “You can’t stay there.”

Dean’s words had surprised him, yet he had admittedly been waiting and _waiting_ for so long for someone to tell him that. The only problem was, was that he had nowhere else to go.

“Naomi is poisoning your mind. You have no idea how wrong you are about not being worth anything. She is brainwashing you into staying home and taking care of Alfie and Anna and Gabe. Cas, you have to get out of there before she starts saying more shit to you.”

“But she’s right…” he muttered, not being able to keep eye contact.

“Hey.” Dean gave Cas’ face a gentle shake with his hand on his cheek. “She is _not_ right. Don’t you dare believe her for a second because anyone else who knows you thinks the opposite. They’ve _told_ me. I care about you, I think you’re more than worth a family, Cas. Don’t think for a second that what she always says is true. She’s manipulative and she’s using it to keep you around.”

Cas’ tears broke free again. His home life was crushing him, and he knew Dean knew that he’d had enough.

Dean pulled him into a hug, encouraging Cas to let go and let his pent-up emotions run free. It was time to do something. Time to stand up for himself. Time to get the truth out, whatever the consequences of doing so may be.

Dean stroked his hair and he’d never felt so good even though he was crying. Dean was his rock. Without him, he’d drift away to nothing. _Be_ nothing. Things really did seem pointless without Dean. He knew he needed to do something for himself that he enjoyed, just to find some _point_ to his life. He did have one idea. He’d always _always_ wanted to be a writer. Someone to provide fiction to distract other people from their troubles. He wanted to be the one to create a world people could escape to just by reading his words.

As for the truths he needed to come to terms with and get in the open, there were problems with that. He would burn all of his bridges by admitting said truths. Being in love with Dean since their second shift together had been his secret for a very long time. It was incredibly daunting.

“Dean?”  

“Yeah?” His friend murmured, leaning down so his nose brushed against Cas’ hair. Cas liked the feeling of being so close to Dean. It set his feelings on fire in a sort of good way.

“Can I ask you a question?” He pulled away from his friend and forced himself to look into those green eyes. Cas took a moment to wipe the stray tears away from his cheeks.

“Sure. Anything.” Dean took both of Cas’ hands in his own. Cas gulped and decided that he’d admit his feelings to Dean _now_ rather than get his hopes up. He was expecting to be rejected so he guessed he may as well get it over with.

He stared into the green of Dean’s eyes, nearly losing himself there before he snapped himself out of it, took a deep breath and-

Dean leaned forward and kissed him softly.

Cas was rigid at first, shock taking over his nerves then happiness taking over his shock.

He expected Dean to move away because he was so still, but his friend continued, and soon Cas moved his mouth just a little, relaxing.

He gained a bit of confidence and pulled his hands away from Dean’s, only to wrap them around the other man’s neck and pull him close as they kissed.

He hummed into the kiss and felt a tear slip down his face. He couldn’t believe he was crying _again_ but Dean didn’t seem to mind as his friend simply swept the water away with his thumb.

Cas also couldn’t believe that this was _actually_ happening. He had finally found solace in the shit show of the last couple of days. Maybe Dean _was_ the solace, not just the kiss. It made sense, and with that, Cas settled into the kiss and encouraged Dean to carry on.

They were making out for a good few minutes, hands pressing and feeling each other in comforting ways. He felt so at peace that he never wanted to leave this cocoon of safety he had within Dean’s home.

Dean was the one to pull away first, but he stayed close to Cas, nose to nose.

“Live with me.” He said quietly, and Cas’ whole world exploded.

“I- I wouldn’t want to, I-I mean, I _would_ want to, I just…I-I wouldn’t want to get in your way…” Cas stammered through his sentence.

“You wouldn’t get in my way. I _want_ you around, Cas. Because I like you and you mean a hell of a lot more to me than you think.”

Cas let the words turn in his head. What a proposition. He had no qualms about living with Dean. They’d fit well together, he knew that. And that was in terms of their personalities _and_ their general lives. Cas could imagine himself and Dean doing their regular night shift like normal, but then stopping for pizza, and then coming home and watching TV and then going to bed together, whether it was to sleep straight away, _or_ do some bedroom things and _then_ go to sleep. The possibilities were endless and Cas loved every one.

“Okay.”

“Okay?” Dean’s voice gained a happy, delighted tone. Cas felt special because Dean seemed so happy to be able to have him around. _Him. Castiel._ _He_ got to live with Dean and _he_ got to be with him all the time. It made him feel positive and he actually forgot about everything for a while.

The thing that eventually brought them apart was when Cas suddenly moved away and sneezed dryly.

Dean placed his hand on Cas’ thigh and frowned in concern. “You not feeling well?”

“I…” Cas realised for the first time that morning how _stuffy_ he felt. His head felt full of feathers and his throat was sore. “I think I have a cold.” He resisted the urge to sniff.

“I’ll get you some cold and flu tablets.” Dean said, placing his hand on top of Cas’ head, and the touch lingered before Dean smiled kindly as he left the room.

* * *

 

“I’m sorry if you’re gonna get sick now.” Cas admitted as Dean sat down on the couch next to him.

“Don’t worry.” Dean chuckled. Cas smiled, more at ease than he had been for weeks (to be honest). “It’s no worse than that time when you were ill at work and had to leave a customer mid-conversation to run to the bathroom and throw up. I found you sitting next to the toilet and had to take you home.”

“Please don’t remind me of that.” Cas groaned, resting his head against Dean’s shoulder.

They’d both showered and were dressed in comfortable clothes, sitting watching crappy daytime TV together. Cas’ cold had developed fully and he was feeling very tired, glad they didn’t have to work that night.

Cas had left his phone in the bedroom, but he knew he had to decide what to do. He was so thankful he had Dean. Indescribably.

“How do I get away from them?” He asked, aware that Dean would know what he was referring to.

His friend put his arm across Cas’ shoulders.

“How about you just go in, get your stuff, ignore _anything_ Naomi tells you and make your exit. There’s nothing she can do; you’re twenty years old.”

Cas nodded. “I need to say bye to Alfie.” He decided. Alfie was his youngest brother at six years old, and by far the closest one to him. He couldn’t leave without saying goodbye to him, and just hope his brother would walk a better path than he had.

“Then do that too. Naomi can’t keep locking you away, Cas, and you know it. This is your chance to get away, yeah?”

Cas nodded confidently, feeling the faith in Dean’s words. “Yeah. You’re right.”

“And I’ll be here for you.” Dean ran his fingers through Cas’ hair. “All the way.”

 Cas smiled. He nuzzled Dean’s neck and they sat there, just appreciating the calm they received from each other’s presence.

* * *

 

“Are you sure you’re okay with this? With me living with you I mean.” Cas asked unsurely, gazing at Dean sitting in the driver’s seat.

His friend smiled and nodded. “I’m sure, Cas.”

“Even though I’m sick?” Cas questioned, sneezing a little, as if on cue.

“Even though you’re sick.” Dean confirmed and leant over to press a small kiss against Cas’ warm cheek. Dean frowned and shifted closer, moving his hand to press it gently against Cas’ forehead. “You’re warm.”

Cas nodded and looked down at his hands, knowing he was warm but still thankful for the woolen sweater he was wearing. It mostly stopped the shivery feeling. “I’ll be okay.”

He scrunched his nose for a second to get rid of an itch before reaching for the door handle. “I can do this.” He more or less told himself rather than Dean.

He felt his heart beat faster as he walked up the path to the house. He didn’t hesitate at the door, but just walked in.

As soon as he set foot on the carpeted floor, Naomi’s voice rang through the house and heavy footsteps got louder until the woman herself was standing in front of him, eyes vicious and stance firm.

“Where _have_ you been?!” She snapped sharply.

He didn’t reply. He just walked past her to his room what was on the ground floor of the house.

“Castiel you answer me right now!” Her voice boomed behind him.

Trying to look as nonchalant as he could, he knelt down in his room and shoved his belongings into a gym bag. He didn’t have all much. More than some, but still not much. He had his clothes, work uniform, a few keepsakes, his hard-earned iPad and his blanket. He would _not_ leave that blanket.

He heard his mother huff and grumble before his whole _shunning Naomi_ thing was interrupted. She had grabbed his arm with an iron grip to stop him moving. She shook his arm forcefully until he finally met her eyes.

“ _Where?!”_ She hissed.

“Places.” He said simply, pretending he wasn’t a little terrified about her painful hand wrapped around his arm.

She scoffed and shoved him. “Don’t get smart with me young man or you’ll _regret it_.”

He forced away the urge to gulp and felt his body slowly heating up under her scrutiny. He felt sick.

“I was at Dean’s, okay? Happy?” He sighed, trying not to be abrasive. He just wanted it to be over and done with.

He managed to shove his two pairs of shoes into the bag, zip it up and sling it over his shoulder while she was busy thinking about Dean. Her grip tightened and her fingernails dug into his arm. He tried not to show the pain of it on his face.

“At _Dean’s?_ ” She snarled. Cas got angry.

“Yeah? Well where else was I supposed to go, huh? _You_ kicked me out and _you_ didn’t care. He did. He _does.”_

“Castiel he is _twenty seven!_ How many times have I told you _NOT TO GO WITH HIM!”_

“You can’t make me do anything.” He said, managing to slip away from her.

“Oh YES I CAN.”

“NO. YOU CAN’T. _Maybe_ that’s because _you’ve_ never done anything for _me!”_ He snapped and regretted telling her about Dean somewhat two months ago. She didn’t approve of the age gap even though they were just friends (well, probably not anymore – something more than that nearly). “He’s been there for me more than you _ever_ have, and I haven’t known _him_ for twenty years like I have you. I don’t give a _fuck_ about your rules or your _shitty opinion of me_. You don’t even have to remind me that you hate me. I already know. You’re a fucking horrible person.”

This took Naomi back. She even gasped. He took the gap to his advantage and got out of the room to dash up the stairs to where he knew Alfie would be.

He at least had some peace knowing that even though they all didn’t have the best family-wide relationship, Naomi was always nice to his three other siblings so he knew they’d get on okay.

“Al?” He called when he couldn’t find his brother in his bedroom.

“Cas?” He heard a young voice call back. Soon his brother was running out of Gabe’s room towards him. He’d probably been playing on Gabe’s Xbox while he was out. Cas found it funny; Alfie was so sneaky. Just like Cas.

He kneeled and opened his arms to accommodate the young boy crashing into him for a hug.

“You left.” Alfie said, confused.

“Yeah. Me and mommy had a fight but it’s gonna be okay. I’m just going away for a while.” He said, biting his lip while waiting for his brother’s response.

“Going away?”

“Not far. I’m only twenty minutes away, alright? And you can call me on daddy’s phone anytime you want. Yeah?”

Alfie pouted but nodded. “Okay Cas.” His eyes looked watery.

“Hey, none of that.” He said softly, taking his brother’s face in both hands gently. “Can you be strong for me? As strong as Captain Jack Sparrow?”

Alfie’s pout soon turned into a smile. “Yes!” He beamed.

“Good. I know you can.” Cas smiled. “I gotta go, but I’ll see you soon, yeah?”

“Okay!”

Cas hugged Alfie once more and stood, saluting his brother who saluted right back. It was cute.

Smiling, Cas watched Alfie go back into Gabe’s room.

Cas then started down the stairs. That was when he realised Naomi hadn’t followed him upstairs. His smile disappeared when he could hear voices outside. _Crap_.

When he got out of the front door, he saw Naomi and Dean shouting at each other.

Cas walked over cautiously, listening to their words.

“When have you _ever_ been there for him? You just _use_ him!” Dean shouted.

“I do _not_. At least I care for him!” Naomi fired back.

“ _Care_ for him? _You_ threw him out in the middle of the night in the freezing fucking cold!” Dean got up in her face. “Cas has a fever because of you. Bet you didn’t notice _that_ did you? Just like you didn’t notice how much of a bitch you are to _your own son_.” Dean’s fiery green eyes shifted to where Cas was standing, not moving as he watched them helplessly.

Naomi turned and saw him standing there, his face pale and his stance fragile. He couldn’t have felt worse, he was sure. He just wanted it all to stop.

Dean walked over and took his bag from him gently and took it to the car. Cas didn’t move.

Naomi walked over, her eyes showing something strange. Something he’d never really seen before.

She studied his face for a few moments. He looked up from his feet after a while to meet her gaze.

“Castiel…” she started. He didn’t really want to hear it. “Let’s work this out.” She said quietly; openly.

He continued to look at her with sad, defeated eyes. He didn’t say anything, and he watched as she started to break. She’d realised how she made him feel, somehow because of what Dean said. Realised that she was in the wrong. Cas wasn’t sure whether he should believe it.

“Cas, I-“

He cut her off, holding up his hand slowly. _Defeated_.

“Stop.” He whispered, tilting his head down again when he felt his many emotions overwhelm him.

When he looked up, his eyes were full of tears. He wasn’t going to hide them anymore.

“I’m going with Dean.” He said with a surprisingly small voice. He couldn’t help it. He felt small.

He saw no faulter in Naomi’s regretful look. It only got stronger. She remained silent. So did he.

He walked away and opened the door to the Impala. He got in and Dean soon followed suit after watching Cas and Naomi exchange their words.

They closed the doors and Dean drove away. Cas didn’t bother looking back.

* * *

 

“Here.” Dean said as he helped him into the bedroom.

Cas wasn’t going to lie, he was definitely feeling worse after going home. He felt warmer, stuffier and sicker. It wasn’t pleasant.

Dean noticed. Naomi wouldn’t have.

Cas kicked his shoes off and sat down on the edge of the bed.

He realised Dean’s hand was on his forehead again.

“Man you’re really burning up.” He decided. Cas started to shiver.

His friend was still in front of him when he felt the need to be sick. It happened so fast and he had to shove Dean to the side with all the strength he had so he could run to the bathroom. He barely heard Dean’s ‘oof’ as he buried his head into the toilet bowl.

He hated throwing up, but he was just glad he managed to get to the toilet. If he’d been sick on Dean, he would have saved his friend the time and kicked _himself_ out of the apartment.

He felt Dean’s presence next to him as another wave of nausea hit him. He side glanced the other man between silent retches and heard Dean say “it’s okay, I’m not squeamish.”

Cas felt comforted fully when he felt Dean’s hand running up and down his back. The small gesture did wonders somehow.

Dean continued “I saw it coming. I’ve seen you pull that face before. Y’know, that shift at work that you told me to never mention again even though I just mentioned it.”

Cas managed to flip him off from his position over the toilet which brought a chuckle out of Dean.

Cas would have smiled if he wasn’t vomiting again.

“That’s it. You’ll feel better when you’ve got it out. It’s okay.”

Cas finally felt like he was finished five minutes later. Dean was right; he did feel better. He flushed the toilet quickly after wiping his mouth and his nose with toilet paper.

He was exhausted after all that.

Once Cas had had a minute to rest and catch his breath, Dean shifted a little. “Come on, you don’t wanna sleep here. Let’s get to bed.” He hoisted Cas up carefully and moved them towards the bed.

“M-my pants.” Cas said, trying to reach down to take them off.

“It’s okay. Let me.” Dean said. Cas wondered for a second what Dean’s motives were, but his friend’s gentle, carefully placed hands around his lower half wiped away all of the suspicions Cas had. Dean just wanted to look after him. Dean just wanted to do _everything_ for him to make up for his mother doing _nothing_.

Cas let Dean undo the button and pull the zip down then start to pull his jeans off. Deep down he was thankful Dean was being so helpful. He was so tired he wondered whether he would have ended up with his jeans in a knot at his feet if he did it himself. Childish but true.

Cas would have been amused if he wasn’t feeling so under the weather.

“Thanks.” He told his friend when Dean dropped his jeans in the corner of the room where Cas’ stuff had been placed.

Cas was finally able to lower himself down in bed and close his eyes, feeling sleep clawing at the edges of his consciousness already.

“There.” Dean whispered, and Cas felt the blankets being pulled up to his waist.

The bed dipped next to him and he felt gentle fingers run through his hair. He could have purred at the feeling like a cat. He often thought of himself as a cat. _Light, mysterious, likes being fussed over._

Yeah. He was a cat.

Cas fell asleep to one soft word murmured by Dean.

“Sleep.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I wish that I could fly too.”

“Thank you.” Dean smiled at the thousandth customer that night. Shifts felt longer without Cas there.

When his queue had finally died down, Dean huffed and turned around to Jo, that night’s barista. He leant back on the counter, knowing there would be no customers for a while now. It’s just how things went for some reason. _Rush, quiet, rush, quiet, rush, quiet_. Relentless.

Jo was wiping the surfaces of small spillages while she had some spare time but turned to Dean when she finished.

“Long day?” The blonde asked Dean and he sighed a yes. “How come?” She took a sip of water from one of the cups they kept underneath the workstation.

“Cas still isn’t feeling well. Dunno. Just wanna be with him.” He admitted, and it was true. Cas’ fever had stayed strong for two days and that day he’d only just agreed to eat something more than toast. Dean wanted to be at home with him so he could comfort him.

Was he being overprotective? He didn’t know, but he _did_ know that he cared for that guy so fucking much it hurt.

“That why I’m covering his shift tonight?” Jo asked and Dean nodded.

Jo knew about Cas moving in with Dean, but she was the only one aside from Charlie. Dean was sort of shift manager and Cas’ supervisor, so if people found out he was starting a thing with Cas, it might get him fucked over by _his_ boss. Not good.

He trusted Jo and Charlie though. He knew they would keep their secret.

Dean was actually the one who hired Cas. The pretty face may have had a _small_ part of it, but Dean had to admit that Cas’ resume was very good. Castiel had told him that his parents had encouraged him do loads of respectable stuff when he was younger so that explained the list of achievements.

When he was hired, Cas had no experience in the _barista business_ as they called it, but Dean had trained him up and Cas had picked it up so quickly he was the best barista they had there within two months.

The maroon long-sleeved shirt they wore as uniform suited Cas and fitted him in all the right ways. The two of them had been flirting harmlessly since the first week Cas had been working there and it had clearly escalated from there.

Dean knew Cas trusted him and he never wanted that to change.

Dean had found out just how bad Cas’ home life was when Cas had accidentally pocket dialed him one time. At the time, he didn’t want to be a creep and listen in on the conversation (even though everyone knows everyone does it), but he was glad he did. He heard Naomi saying utter shit to Cas and at that same night at work, Dean saw for himself how upset Cas was even though he tried to hide it.

He had even pulled Cas over when the customers died down for a while to ask him if he was okay. That was how Dean found out about everything Cas had been going through. His friend had confided in him and as a result Dean had told him he always had his door open if Cas needed somewhere to crash for the night.

And then it’s up to date. Cas was living with Dean and they were on the verge of a relationship. Dean was happy, but he wanted to make sure Cas was just as happy too.

He knew he was doing _everything_ possible for Cas, but he wanted to. Cas had gone through a lot and Dean knew his friend secretly loved the attention. He found it amusing really, but understood why Cas needed what he needed what with such a shit upbringing.

“You guys have a label yet?” Jo snapped Dean from his thoughts.

“Label?”

“Y’know. Boyfriends, partners, somethin’ else…?”

“Not yet. I want him to be feeling better first. I’m making sure I’m not rushing him. We can even be nothing if that’s what he wants.”

“Cute.” Jo smiled cheesily.

“Remember I’m your boss.” Dean pointed his finger jokingly at Jo who snorted and pointed behind Dean.

“Customer alert.”

He turned to see a sleepy looking truck driver approaching.

“Hi, what can I get you?” He asked politely.

“Strongest coffee you got. Milky.” The man took his cap off and ruffed his thin grey hair.

“No problem.” Dean said, tapping on the till’s touchscreen to put the order through. “That’ll be $2.49 then please.”

“Alrighty.” The man opened his wallet and gave the exact change along with a 50 cents tip in their jar.

“Thanks, it’ll be ready in just a minute.” He smiled, handed the receipt to the man and turned to help Jo, skillfully making up the milk for the drink alongside her preparing the coffee grounds.

They assembled the coffee and the man took it gratefully. “Thanks guys.”

“That’s okay. Drive safe.” Dean told him and the man said he would.

Cas always said he was worried that all the people getting coffee would go back to the road too tired. Cas sometimes said ‘drive safe’ or when he didn’t, he hoped the person saw the sign at the front of the counter saying ‘Drive safe. You know the consequences.’

He had got Dean in to saying it too.

So, a couple months ago, the two of them had gone around each of the businesses in the service station and encouraged them to put their own signs up. Most of them did, too. Cas had said he felt ‘like a good human’ which had made Dean laugh.

“You’re done soon, right?” Jo asked him and he glanced at his watch.

“Yeah. Close. Just need to wait for Michael.” Dean watched Jo roll her eyes. No one liked Michael all that much. He was too up tight and the employees didn’t like that (obviously). A fair manager was a good manager, just like Dean. “Good luck.” He smiled.

“Thanks.” Jo sighed. “Oh, and by the way, he’s stopped being a dick to Cas since you had words with him about it.”

“Good.” Dean nodded.

Dean had found out that Michael had been extremely rude and belittling to Cas when he had accidentally spilled a cup of milk. It was easily done – _hell_ , Dean’s done it before – so when he had the chance, Dean had mentioned to the other shift manager that he should be more patient and not worry about small things like that. He may have also dropped Cas’ name in there, saying he shouldn’t be so hard on him. Michael complied surprisingly.

It only ever happened when Cas had a shift when Dean wasn’t there. Sometimes it just fell that way. Dean had night shift A with Jo and Garth, the other barista, and then Cas had night shift B with Michael and Charlie.

The doors to the building burst open and Michael strolled through like he owned the place.

“Good luck.” Dean muttered to Jo and she nodded her thanks.

“Hello Dean. How’s it been this tonight?” Michael asked as he came behind the counter.

“Not bad. Same cycle of customers as usual. Not quite as busy.”

“Good. Hello Jo.”  The other manager greeted the barista and she smiled.

If Dean was being fair, Michael wasn’t a bad guy. The power had just gone to his head a little like it did with many team leaders/minor managers.

But all Dean wanted to think about was going home to Cas. Of course, he was still adjusting to the idea that he didn’t live alone anymore, but he loved the thought of coming home to someone he loved.

Did he say loved? Oops. Oh well. Can’t deny the truth, right?

* * *

 

Dean didn’t call out when he opened the apartment door. He assumed Cas would be asleep and didn’t want to disturb his friend as he was still recovering.

He knew Cas had a fever, but he had guessed the business with Naomi had made it worse, like put pressure on him and stuff. It seemed likely.

He locked the door and dumped his bag on the couch, not bothering to stay up and watch TV. He fancied just curling up next to Cas in bed and trying to go to sleep.

Thankfully, when he’d put his pyjamas on (merely sweatpants and a t-shirt) and got ready in the bathroom, he still hadn’t woken Cas up.

He turned the light off and slipped into bed, risking putting his arm across Cas’ stomach.

Cas shifted only a little and tilted his head to the side, leaning into Dean in his sleep. Dean found it adorable, but then again, Cas was always adorable.

Dean smiled and pulled Cas to him slowly as to not wake him up. He quickly checked his forehead and found that it wasn’t as warm as it had been. He was so glad Cas was getting better. He didn’t want him to suffer for too long with that stupid fever, if at all.

Either way, he’d see how everything was in the morning. He wondered if Cas would want some fresh air or want to stay in.

He guessed he’d find out in a few hours.

* * *

 

Dean woke slowly and sleepily, feeling his heart beat a little faster when he started to move around more. He wiggled his toes and stretched his legs before opening his eyes, and when he did, he was greeted by two big blue eyes watching him back.

“Good morning to you too.” Dean chuckled, placing a hand against the sleep-warmed skin of Cas’ cheek. “How ya feelin’?”

“Same as yesterday really.” Cas said and Dean felt good that his friend wasn’t feeling too bad. “How was work?”

“Dead.” He shrugged. “Talked to Jo a lot which kept the mood up though.”

“So not too boring then?”

“Nah.” Dean smiled, running his thumb along Cas’ cheekbone. He had a beautiful face. “What did you do while I was gone?”

Cas shrugged “nothing much. Watched another episode of that thing.”

“The psychology show?” Dean snorted. “I don’t understand how you don’t get bored watching all that brain stuff.”

“It’s interesting.” Cas shrugged, turning his head to bury his face against Dean’s shirt. “Mmm you’re warm.”

Dean smiled, circling his arm around a very sleepy Cas.

“Wanna do anything today?” He suggested. Cas didn’t move but he responded.

“Do _you?”_

“We could go get some sandwiches and find a bench at the lake if you want. Only if you want to though.”

“I’d love to do that.” Cas perked up and Dean couldn’t help but smile. He was relieved that Cas’ spirits were up. He looked _really_ beautiful when his face was bright and happy.

“It’s a date.” Dean smirked when his comment made Cas blush.

“Cool.” Cas brushed it off, pretending his cheeks hadn’t turned pink.

Dean shook his head fondly and moved to kiss Cas softly, not caring that he still had a little bit of a fever.

Cas kissed back and they stayed there for a while, having a much needed lazy morning with lazy kisses and lazy caresses. Dean knew that Cas appreciated the calm after having such a crazy couple of days. It was like Cas had been running one hundred miles an hour and only when Dean was there did he slow down and let himself relax. Dean assumed that that was what it had been like for Cas for a very long time.

They did eventually get up, but couldn’t seem to stay away from each other for too long before coming back and sharing more kisses.

“Sure you wanna go out?” Dean whispered through a kiss to which Cas replied a breathy ‘yes’.

He pushed his hand through that thick mop of dark hair and smiled against Cas’ lips. He felt so happy and whole. He couldn’t believe Cas was living with him – after dancing around each other for a good year they were suddenly closer than they’d ever been. Dean couldn’t describe the feeling of finally being able to share himself with Cas, and vice versa.

* * *

 

An hour later, they found themselves sitting on a bench by the lake like they had planned. Cas was picking at his food a bit, but he didn’t have his appetite back completely so Dean understood as he shoved a BBQ chicken bread roll into his mouth. He was hungry, okay?

He saw Cas watching him from the corner of his eye and tried not to laugh so he wouldn’t end up spitting out his food. Even though he was pretty sure he wouldn’t, he covered his mouth anyway. Cas’ face was a picture.

“How is your mouth that big?” He asked innocently and Dean snorted through his nose, managing to swallow his giant mouthful.

“Dunno.” He replied seriously before they both broke out into laughter and drew passerby’s attention. It wasn’t even technically that funny, but it felt hilarious. Everything felt hilarious with Cas.

When they had calmed down, they ate their food in comfortable silence for a while, watching the ducks swim across the lake and people walking their dogs.

He paid attention to Cas who always seemed to sit confined to himself. He didn’t spread out all that much, like, his arms were tucked against his sides neatly. His feet were tucked under the bench so only the tips of his shoes were touching the floor.

There was an air of modesty about him. It was like his whole presence offered a gentle comfort. Dean felt more comfortable around him than anyone else he had been with before.

Cas never asked for anything – he always sorted himself out if he needed something, but Dean was planning on restoring the balance between what Cas was giving and what he was receiving. He’d had to do a lot of things himself over the years, often on his own. Dean had seen some for himself: buying new clothes – _essential clothes,_ nothing fancy – buying his own food a lot, using his own money to get cigarettes for Naomi. Cas wasn’t even 21 – he had to lie or get a fake ID to buy them.

Dean was disgusted – what parent was that demanding and uncaring of their son? Dean had always hated seeing Cas having to do so much, even leaving work on the dot when his shift ended to be home for Naomi so she didn’t get too mad at him. Sure, he was a young adult really, but he’d had a massive weight on his shoulders. No wonder he kept to himself so much.  

Dean slid closer when his friend shivered and earned a shy smile when he put his arm around him on the bench. He didn’t care if anyone saw. He’d just have to hope that the people who _did_ see them weren’t people they worked with.

He finished his roll and by then Cas had wrapped his tuna roll up to maybe eat later.

“I like it here.” Cas said, looking out at the ducks flapping about. “It’s all nature-y.”

A smile tugged at Dean’s lips. “I agree. We should do this again.”

“Definitely.”

A blanket of comfortable silence draped over them and Dean found himself letting his thoughts drift to, well, nothing. He was…peaceful? Yeah, that was the right word. _Peaceful_.

Dean was aware of small movements like Cas resting his head on his shoulder. Cas was also fiddling with one of the buttons on his jacket like it was the most interesting thing in the world – Dean could feel a small tug every so often when Cas twisted the button between his fingers. He didn’t mind; he just admired Cas’ little frown, finding his heavy concentration on such a small thing quite cute.

He was incredible and so unique and so _Cas_ – not like anyone else Dean had ever met, that was for sure.

Dean listened to the birds, watching a family of geese kamikaze into the water from of the ledges of the lake that people fished from. The rustling of the trees reminded him he was really here. Cas was really here. And this was _really_ happening.

“Dean?” Cas spoke up, leaning to meet his eyes.

“Hmm?”

“…what are we?”

He looked down at his friend’s slightly shy, expectant gaze. Should he go for it?

“I guess…I’m single, you’re single…wanna get together?” He asked, knowing Cas appreciated the slightly jokey tone to diffuse the tension of the situation. Not _bad_ tension, just hopeful tension.

“Yes.” Cas said, leaning close to Dean before pressing their lips against each other. It felt warm, safe and Dean loved every second of it. He felt more confidence in Cas and felt his friend’s- no: _boyfriend’s_ hand wrap around his back under his coat where it was unzipped.

Like in bed that morning, they spent ages making out, not being able to move away from each other’s warmth. They were finally connected; finally aligned. It was as if they’d been living as two north magnets – so close yet so far – until this whole thing with Cas’ family shifted it all and nudged them both the right way. They were glued.

Dean felt honoured that Cas chose to be with _him_. He didn’t think he’d ever be able to be with Cas like this but here he was. Every minute felt like a dream.

Dean knew that while Cas was feeling better from his fever, he would still be thinking about what happened with Naomi for a very long time. Dean knew exactly when Cas would go far into his head – he’d get a vacant, hollow look and Dean always dragged him out of that and made him smile with a bad joke or the threat of a cuddle. Dean was really a hugger on the inside, sue him.

Cas had had debatably traumatic experiences. He may never be able to forget what had happened, but at least Dean can help him move on. Take care of him _properly. Love_ him.

The thought made Dean happy inside. He pressed closer to Cas and clung to the other man with everything he had.

They sat quiet for a while longer until Dean’s ass got sore from sitting on the wooden bench so long. “Wanna walk around?”

“Yeah why not.” Cas agreed and they stood up, intertwined their fingers and walked along the dirt path around the lake. Conversation came easily, and a lot of times they didn’t need to talk to appreciate each other. It was as if they’d been in a relationship for ages…were they just – Dean hated being cheesy, but – were they just _meant to be?_

After a while, Cas pulled his hand away, walked ahead of Dean then spun around so he was walking backwards and facing Dean.

“I wonder how long I can do this for.” His boyfriend wondered, glancing back over his shoulder to see if anyone else was there.

“I’m just gonna wait for you to trip over a root. Or a small dog.” Dean decided, pushing his hands into his pockets. “Or accidentally walk into the lake.”

“I wouldn’t do that.” Cas scoffed then pulled a face “ok, maybe with my clumsiness, I might, but we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. Well, or _not_ cross it, as it were.” He reasoned.

“Yup.” Dean replied, amusement creeping at the edges of him. Cas was such a loveable idiot.

“Crap.” Cas shrugged.

“Yes, crap.” Dean said, pointing at the ground. “Literally.”

“…what?” Cas frowned, clearly wondering why Dean had suddenly tensed up.

“Dammit Cas.” He moved forwards quickly and yanked Cas away from the middle of the path.

Cas looked down at the path and saw that yes, there was indeed some kind of animal crap there. He would have walked right into it. “Oh I see. _Literally_ crap.”

“Let’s not walk backwards anymore, huh?” Dean suggested, amusement tickling his voice now. He couldn’t help but chuckle to himself.

“Good plan. A very good plan.” Cas agreed, side-glancing Dean before laughing quietly. “How do you put up with me?” He questioned and Dean smiled at him.

“I don’t know, but I love putting up with you. It’s great.” He admitted. He was in love. He really was. So much. _So, so much_.

They stopped walking for a moment where there was a gap in the trees and the lake was visible once again.

He looked at Cas who had closed his eyes, letting the cool breeze ruffle his hair.

It really was nice to get away from everything for a while.

“You alright?” Dean asked, admiring Cas’ calm face..

“Yeah. Just...relaxing.” He replied, sinking into his coat.

Dean nodded in understanding.

This time, a family of ducks were flapping across the water creating little ripples which spread out before smoothing down into the main body of the lake again.

It made Cas smile, and as if he felt Dean’s eyes on him, he turned to look at him, holding his gaze. His irises were bluer than any ocean Dean could imagine. In fact, Cas’ eyes were more than oceans. They were the sky, the water, happiness, love, emotion, peace, _everything_. It was sure a _pure_ colour and so distinctively _Cas_ that Dean had been amazed since the first time he saw those eyes.

That’s what Cas was though. The purest soul ever imaginable. Dean shocked himself at the poetic-ness of the thoughts he kept getting, but he couldn’t help it. Cas made him feel incredible things.

Dean’s attention was drawn back out of his head when a robin landed on a branch to their left. It was pretty close, allowing them the chance to admire its smooth brown feathers.

“I wish that I could fly too.” Cas said simply. “It’d be so…freeing.”

Dean put his arm around Cas’ waist and hugged his side close with one arm.  

A minute later, a bigger, much more majestic robin landed next to the one that landed before. Its breast feathers were red, so the smaller robin must have been younger. 

The branch shook a little from the landing, and carried on moving when the two birds started hopping around and tweeting.

“Think that the smaller one’s the fledgling?” Dean asked quietly.

Cas nodded “most likely.”

The birds flew away and Dean focused his attention back on the lake.

Despite the temperature, there were people kayaking around, their paddles rising then descending back into the water, allowing them to move forwards.

“Have you ever tried kayaking?” Dean asked.

“Nope. You?”

“Once,” Dean smiled “it was with Sam and he capsized before he even got a few metres. I didn’t stop laughing for the rest of the session.”

The thought made him smile, as did Cas. “Did you do any better?”

“I nearly hit an old lady with my paddle. She wasn’t very happy, but I did say sorry.”

Cas shook his head and tutted “you shouldn’t hit old ladies with kayak paddles, Dean.”

“Hey, they can certainly pack-a-punch with those handbags. I swear they fill them with bricks. Or they’re just a bunch of old lady mints that are the size of gobstoppers.” 

“Oh, have you been hit with a handbag before, then?”

“Maybe.”

“Please elaborate.” Cas insisted, but Dean shook his head.

“All you need to know is that it involved pie and a very intense conversation with a store manager.”

Cas smirked and laughed quietly, probably imagining Dean and a feisty old lady fighting over pie.

“Shut up, Cas.” He tried to say seriously, but he was trying not to laugh too.

Rolling his eyes, Dean squeezed Cas’ side once then let go again. “Coming?”

Cas nodded, deliberately pushing him a little. 

Dean pushed him back, smiling as he did it. 

They walked further around the lake, smiling at other walkers and saying hello as they crossed paths.

“I love where we live.” Cas decided, watching a dog plummet into the lake creating a huge splash that nearly wet its owner. “It’s fresh here. Away from the city.”

“Me too.” Dean agreed.

* * *

 

When they got home, Cas walked in while Dean closed the door behind them, sliding the chain across.

He was halfway slipping his coat off when he saw Cas go still then sway to the side and quickly put his hand on the side of the breakfast bar to stop himself going any further.

Dean rushed over, placing a hand on his back. “Cas, you okay?”

His boyfriend slipped a hand to his forehead, frowning. “I think…I think so.”

“Maybe we walked too far. C’mon, maybe you should rest for a while.” He suggested and Cas nodded, letting Dean help him get his coat off then walk to the bedroom.

Dean had nearly forgotten Cas was still sick. He’d seemed so fine and happy when they were walking but he guessed that Cas had just felt better for a while during the middle of the day. Everyone knew illness always felt worse in the morning and at night.

Cas took off some layers before slipping into bed, looking at Dean as he closed the curtains.

“Dean.” He said so he turned around and crouched by the bed to be eye level with Cas.

“Yeah?” He moved his hand to stroke Cas’ hair.

“I really loved today.”

Dean smiled and leant to kiss his forehead. “Me too.”

Cas returned the smile, seeming to get sleepy already.

“Get some rest.” He ran his fingers through the soft locks of chestnut. “I’m gonna tidy up then chop some stuff up for a stew or something.”

“Okay.” Cas said, reaching up to get hold of Dean’s hand and squeeze his fingers before he let go. “Thank you.”

Dean stayed until Cas went under, going lax and peaceful against the pillows and blankets.

He pressed one last kiss to Cas’ forehead – which had warmed up again slightly – before leaving the room and pulling the door closed quietly.

* * *

 

Cas woke up in a panic. He was sweating. All over. Completely all over. He couldn’t breathe.

The clock on the bedside table said it was two in the morning. It fucking felt like it.

He stumbled out of bed out from under Dean’s arm which was around his waist.

He’d been having a nightmare. He hated the damn things but they snuck up on him like some kind of vampire in a crappy 20th century horror film. He did feel pale.

The nightmare had the courtesy of showing him what things would be like if he didn’t have Dean. He was on the street, all alone in the rain and in the mud and cold and alone alone alone- what would he do if something happened to Dean? What…what would he do??

He felt his breaths quicken and shallow out, letting his shark-like thoughts from his subconscious swim around where he _had_ to think about it.

He’d heard the things Naomi had said to him over and over. He felt like such a disappointment. She was shouting at him like she always had done, threatening him with _I’ll only love you if you get an A on your test. I’ll only love you if you get these for me. I’ll let you eat with us tonight if you walk your siblings to your grandma’s house._

Standing by the window didn’t help him cool down. It just made it worse because he could see the rain outside. He usually loved rain, but his bad dreams had ruined that too. No Dean. Alone. Cold. Nothing. Nothing but Naomi in his head, shouting at him _even though she wasn’t even in his head_. He didn’t understand what was happening to him.

He used to have nightmares about being alone in the world, but they’d stopped when he’d moved up to high school. He’d been sleeping worse recently though, like somehow he knew all of this was going to happen; that he’d finally snap and leave Naomi in the dirt behind him.

“Cas?” He heard Dean’s sleepy voice behind him. He ignored it, not registering it really. He knew he was in a panic but it wouldn’t stop. Nothing would stop. “Cas.” Dean sounded more alert like somehow he knew something was wrong. A second later he felt another body beside him. He flinched and moved away.

If Dean wasn’t there, he’d have to be homeless or go crawling back to Naomi. Then he’d _never_ get away. His entire life would be down the drain. But no one else cared for him – well, he didn’t think his family cared for him all that much anyway. But there was _no one_ else he could turn to. _No one_.

Alone.

“I- I’m…I…can’t…I can’t.” He tumbled through the nonsense of a sentence between breaths. Or was he hyperventilating?

“Cas, what can’t you do?” Dean said again.

“Anything.” He broke out. He felt dizzy.

“…what you talking about?” Dean asked, taking hold of his arm to stop him fidgeting and pacing and moving and _doing_ _everything_ all at once and _thinking everything_ all at once.

Dean was the only person he had left. _The only person_.

He couldn’t control anything. His breathing was out of control. His thoughts were out of control. His emotions were out of control. Everything was out of control.

Cas wouldn’t have anyone. He’d be homeless without Dean. Homeless and alone. He cried.

“Cas Cas Cas it’s okay. I’m right here.” Dean fussed over him but he _couldn’t feel anything_. Everywhere was numb but he felt sick. What was happening?

Apparently his hands were in his hair. Fingers pulling.

“No no, don’t pull. Don’t. It’s alright.” Dean took his hands away, untangling his fingers and held them semi-tightly. Cas didn’t pull away this time. Was he crying or was he underwater? Was this even real?

“…sCARED.” His voice cracked.

This thing went on for what felt like hours. Turns out it was ten minutes.

As soon as Cas’ erratic breathing slowed, his thoughts calmed and the panic faded, he realised what had happened.

Dean’s face said it all.

Complete panic attack.

Without another thought, he moved to the bed and dived under the covers. He had to hide his face. Dean shouldn’t have seen that.

The tears flooded from his eyes and he sniffled while he hid in his not-so-subtle hiding place under the blankets. What a stupid child he was.

He heard Dean sigh and felt a dip in the bed next to where he’d curled up underneath the safe haven. His whole body was underneath and it was dark.

“Cas it’s okay.” Dean found his side and placed his hand there from the other side of the covers. Cas didn’t move. He felt so confused and…fucking fragile. “Cas don’t worry.”

He scrunched his face and pressed it into the mattress, trying to suppress his crying. He bet Dean thought he was the biggest baby of the century. He felt like it.

Even this hiding went on for a good few minutes until Dean moved the covers out of the way and pulled Cas upright. He didn’t look up. He didn’t show his face. Didn’t want to.

 “N- no.” He mumbled, shaking his head. Dean hugged him close. He sniffed and was just thankful that Dean wasn’t forcing him to talk.

He seemed to calm down completely after that, the smell of Dean’s aftershave somehow comforting. He was still freaked about that nightmare though. It had scared him so much because it was so _true_. No Dean, no home. And with no home and no Dean, he was alone.

“Come with me.” Dean said, urging him to stand up.

He let Dean guide him out of the room through the door into the dark apartment. Well, until Dean switched the light on.

“You’re overheated.” Dean pointed out quietly, letting him sit on the couch while he went to the kitchen. He came back with a glass of water, handing it to Cas before sitting next to him, trying to make eye contact. Cas didn’t comply, but he did sip at the water.

If he was honest, he felt a bit shell shocked. He was still trying to make sense of whatever just happened. Panic attack? Anxiety attack? Both? He couldn’t believe it. He’d lost a handle on things _again_. He’d broken down right in front of Dean _again_.

“Cas.” Dean reached up and tilted Cas’ chin so he was finally facing him. His other hand went to Cas’ hair where he stroked the (probably) messy strands back from his forehead. “Talk to me.”

Cas took in a deep breath. He didn’t want to talk but he knew that if he didn’t, it would be worse. He covered his face with his hands. “I don’t know what happened.” He croaked. He felt tired now but he knew he wouldn’t sleep if he tried to.

“You wake up like that?” Dean put softly.

“Yeah.”

“All in a panic?”

“Yeah. It used to happen when I was younger I guess. Mom used to shout at me. Used to scare me.”

Dean nodded, searching his face for something. Cas’ hand found its way to his hair again. He used to pull it when he was younger. Old habits die hard. Blame Naomi.

“No, no.” Dean said gently and quietly, taking his hand away carefully. He smoothed Cas’ hair back again.

Everything was so quiet. Even they were talking quietly. The town was asleep.

“I dreamt that I was homeless and I didn’t have you. If that was the case, I would be alone and no one else would care. I’d have the choice to be stuck with Naomi or living cold on the street.” He said, finding more words spilling from his mouth. “I mean, what am I gonna do now? I’m working weird shifts at a coffee shop I’m doing nothing else my education’s down the drain already I basically have no money or _anything-“_

“Sshh.” Dean said and it was all Cas needed to realise he was getting worked up again. This whole thing that night may have actually been subconscious thoughts bubbling up to the surface.

Dean pulled him close and Cas was able to bury his head right against Dean’s chest. “I’m sorry. I really don’t understand why it got so out of hand. I couldn’t feel anything rational. I had no control.”

“It’s okay Cas. You don’t have to explain yourself. I’m just glad you’re alright. That’s all.”

Cas nodded and wrapped his arms around Dean best he could, appreciating the immense comfort their embrace brought him.

“I’m not going anywhere, Cas. I can promise you that. We’re doing just fine right now and I care about you a lot, and so many other people do. There’s your brother, right? Alfie. Jo, Charlie and Garth – you’re friends with them, they care about you. You have all of your high school friends and you have me. You’re not alone. You don’t have to go through any of this alone.”

Dean’s words sunk in. He turned them around in his head for a silent minute or two, starting to feel like Dean had wrapped a warm safety blanket around him.

“I…” Cas tried to swallow a lump in his throat “she used to shout at me when I was little. I think it…it just messed me up. I don’t sleep good.”

Dean nodded, taking the information in. The only sounds in the room were the soft humming noises of the appliances and the rain against the windows.

“Cas…you don’t have to be around her anymore alright? You never have to see her again if you don’t want to. Being here, that’s a big step in the right direction. I can help you get back on your feet. Like, how about I come to the doctors with you, hmm? You can get something to help you sleep then we can sit down and look at some college courses – a nearby one so you can still live here.”

Cas listened intently, the idea of all of that growing on him. “…one of those ones that starts half way through the year in January?”

“Yeah exactly.” Dean smiled sympathetically. “Then you can do _whatever_ you want. You can get some student loans and you wouldn’t have to pay them off for ages – your money would be your own. And I’ll be here for you the whole way.”

Cas looked up at him with watery eyes. “Really? I can do that?”

Dean smiled wider, running his fingers slowly through Cas’ hair. “Yeah. And a lot more. We just need to get you feeling better is all.”

He felt an unfamiliar feeling drift through him at that. It wasn’t one he felt often but maybe it was hope. He had hope.

“You’re safe with me, Cas. I’m not going anywhere. We’re going to live here and you’re going to go to college and I’ll work my way up the coffee career ladder because let’s be honest, coffee is a life saver.”

Cas broke out in a small laugh at that, hugging Dean tightly. “You really think so?”

Dean smiled. “I _know_.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Three Months Later**

Cas stood at the front of the library holding his textbooks because they wouldn’t fit into his bag. Ever since he started college, he’d begun to really feel like he had a grip on things. He absolutely loved his writing course – he was top of his class somehow and he’d made so many friends he couldn’t believe it. Dean had said before that since being on the course, Cas had ‘broken out of his shell’. Maybe that was true even though he still felt like the shy old him.

He peered down the path where Dean would be appearing from. It went right through a forest park until the campus ended and it popped out back in town. They were meeting for lunch then Cas was going to go to therapy while Dean went back to work.

They’d both opted out of night shifts after a few weeks of living together. Cas was getting tired as he was studying as well, and Dean decided he’d get a new job more central in a nice coffee shop where he had a friend who worked there. The change in work balanced their time so it meant they were more functional and could work around things more easily.

“Hey.” Dean smiled as he approached from the path.

“Hi.” Cas returned the smile and walked down the steps towards him.

They met in the middle of the people-less courtyard, hugging each other before sharing a quick kiss. Cas managed to keep hold of his textbooks.

Dean slipped their fingers together and they pulled away, beginning the walk back down the path.

“How’s today been?”

“Really good. I handed in that piece of writing I did and my lecturer said she thinks it’s going to be really good. She only read the first paragraph though – I hope the goodness follows through or she’ll be disappointed.”

“I read that thing Cas, it’s like gold on paper. Seriously, she’ll get her head blown off. You’re so good.”

Cas smiled, a modest shyness creeping over him. He squeezed Dean’s hand. “Imagine if half way through I said _‘and then, out of nowhere, an alien ship descended to earth, blowtorched everyone and the human species was wiped out in a matter of minutes’_.”

Dean snorted. “That should be your next one, Cas.”

“It would definitely be a great twist.” Cas laughed. There was nothing more cliché than a random alien invasion in his opinion. “Is the shop busy?”

Dean tilted his head side to side “kinda. It’s warm out today so people are going to the ice cream place across the street instead.”

“A least you’re not rushed off your feet I guess.”

“Yeah. I’ll have some energy left in me to cook us something nice later.” Dean decided, looking at Cas. “Where do you wanna go for some food?”

He shrugged. “I don’t mind. Do you feel like something warm or cold?”

“On a day like this – cold. What, are you thinking of sandwiches or like a bread roll thing?”

Cas’ favourite sandwich came to mind. “Oh yeah, we could go to that place that has the benches outside? You know, the one which sells those really nice chicken ones?”

“Chicken benches, sounds interesting.” Dean hummed, rubbing his chin in his disparage.

Cas swatted him playfully. “Chicken sandwiches. You knew what I meant.” He giggled.

Dean smirked, leading them in the direction of the small sandwich place at the edge of the park.

When they got there, they ordered the food and sat down opposite each other on the bench. Cas admired Dean’s eyes when his boyfriend looked over at him. The green of the forest highlighted the colour of his irises and Cas could look at Dean all day.

He frowned when Dean pulled out his phone.

“I need a photo of you for my home screen. Smile, Cas. You look all pretty in the sun.” Dean held up his phone.

Cas looked at him like he was crazy. “Random photo much?”

Dean shrugged innocently. “Trust me, you’re all aesthetic. C’mon, just one? Please?”

Cas shook his head and laughed quietly. He was too awkward for random photos. “It’ll look weird because I’m shit at posing for photos.”

Dean rolled his eyes, chuckling at him. “I’m just gonna take it anyway, you know that, right?”

Cas was the one rolling his eyes this time. Fiiiiiine.

He just looked at Dean the whole time, laughing because he felt all awkward. He wasn’t fond of posing for photos.

Dean got his picture, beaming at the result. “Cute.” He said and Cas blushed.

“I wanna see it later.”

“Okay.” Dean smiled as he put his phone away.

“Does this mean I get to take a random one of you now?”

Dean smirked at him. “Any time.”

“Don’t give me ideas.” Cas pointed his finger at him, cursing the hypothetical images which flowed into his head.

Dean smiled, getting comfortable in his seat. Cas’ subconscious was glad for the subject change Dean supplied. “What you planning on talking about in therapy?”

Cas shrugged. “I think maybe about how college is going. And that I am actually starting to sleep normally. Not working nights is really helping. And I need to talk to her about what Naomi said to me when I was younger – I think I’m ready to talk about it.”

“That’s really good Cas. Tell me all about how it goes later yeah?”

“Yeah. I think it’s going to be hard but it’ll be worth it? It might help get some repressed stuff out if that’s the right word.”

“I know what you mean. You’re right, it’ll feel good to tell someone.”

Cas hadn’t actually told Dean what Naomi used to say to him, but he was planning on it soon. He wanted to tell his therapist first and get her advice before completely opening up to Dean.

He reached forward and took Dean’s hand, smiling at him. His boyfriend smiled back softly. Dean felt like home.

Cas was in love. Completely, utterly, irrevocably in love.

* * *

 

“So Cas, how’s your week been?” Angela questioned with a bright smile, resting her pen on her notepad.

Cas cleared his throat. “Good. I handed in one of my writing pieces today. My lecturer’s looking forward to reading it.”

“You’ve been working on that one for quite a while haven’t you? A few weeks?”

“Yeah. I’m glad it’s done but half of me wants to go back to writing more.” He admitted, shifting in the chair. He was more than comfortable there but the pending subject of Naomi was hanging over him. “Sorry, I’ve just got a lot on my mind at the minute.” He said to justify his fidgeting.

“No problem. And Cas, you don’t have to talk about her if you don’t want. It’s all in your own time. I’ll follow with whatever you want to chat about.” Angela reassured him with her naturally gentle voice. Cas found it comforting which was why he picked Angela as his therapist in the first place. She was kind, unlike certain other female figures in his life.

Dean had suggested therapy when Cas kept getting stupid ass nightmares. He’d thought about it for a while until he too decided it would have its benefits for him. Thinking back on how much progress he’d made since he first started doing it, he felt _so_ glad he’d gone for it and signed up for this.

“No, I’ll talk about it. I think I need to so I can move on from her. It feels like the last thing I need to do to forget her…if that makes sense?” He asked, realising he’d been twisting his fingers in his lap. Why was his heart beating faster than usual? He was only _talking_ about the bitch, why was he nervous?

“Alright. Do you want to talk now or leave it ‘til a bit later in the session?”

Cas thought about it. “Now.” May as well get it over with, right?

Angela nodded, her air of calm keeping Cas mostly calm too.

He shifted in his seat again. “I’m just gonna…just go to the toilet. My bladder doesn’t do well with nerves.” He joked briefly, smiling before he left to find the men’s restroom.

When he’d finished, he looked in the mirror at himself where there were three sinks lined up. He could do this. He’d come a long way to scrub Naomi from his life. He could have a future with Dean; he could _see_ a future with Dean. This was the last step. He was doing good.

“C’mon Cas. Let’s do this.” He said quietly, staring at himself in the mirror.

His phone jarred him out of thought when it buzzed. He pulled it from his pocket and saw he had a text from Dean.

**_Dean: you might be in the session right now so you might not see this but you can do this!! smash it, babe xxx_ **

He smiled – a very big smile – and tapped a quick reply.

**_Cas: I will. Miss you already <3_ **

**_Dean:_ ** **_😊 xxx_ **

With that, he left the restroom with confidence and a slight spring in his step. He had this. Naomi wasn’t going to hold him back any longer.

He re-entered Angela’s room and sat down feeling positive.

“What happened to you?” Angela laughed.

“Text from Dean. Seemed to do the trick. I’m feeling strong.”

“That’s a good then. You ready?” She tilted her head. He nodded, looking at his phone. He started a voice recording just so, if he did happen to talk to Dean about all of this, he could refer back to this session. He wanted Dean to know everything that Angela knew, and the recording may fill in some gaps that he could miss when telling Dean.

He collected his thoughts together one last time before replying to Angela. “Yeah.” Cas took a deep breath and relaxed. “She turned nasty when I was three if I remember correctly. Either way, I was around three give or take.”

“So she was okay before then.”

He nodded. “Yeah, she was fine. It was like she just snapped with me one day. The earliest thing I can remember when she started being horrible was when I was still quite young and I…I think I wet the bed a lot? It began with her telling me off for it when obviously I couldn’t help it, and then she got bored of telling me off every night so she sent my dad to come and ‘deal with me’ instead. He was always there for me – he’d help me change and stay with me until I fell asleep again.”

“Did he ever say anything to her about shouting at you?”

“A couple of times, but she carried on anyway. As weeks went on she got more impatient with me which made everything worse. She ended up forcing me to wear pull ups _in the daytime_ until I _‘learned not to wet the bed’_. I honestly have no idea why she thought that would help me but at the age I was, I didn’t question it. She gave me nightmares all the time which really didn’t help the bedwetting situation either. Like, if I woke up crying in the night, she’d just send my dad to sort me out. It was always dad. And sure, there was nothing wrong with my dad coming to help clean everything up, but it upset me because at that point I’d started to realise that she _didn’t want_ to come and help. She didn’t care about me enough.

“I figured out she hated me early, and I never even did anything wrong. I wasn’t planned so maybe that’s why she’s always been so impatient with me. I have no idea.”

“How long did it go on for, Cas?”

He pouted while he thought about it. “Until I was six I think. The nightmares carried on ‘til high school though.”

“So she carried on troubling you for a good while then.”

“Yeah. She always has, so it just became a normality. I knew she hated me and I’d come to accept it. Dad was much more _there for me_ in general. Y’know, he was the one who signed field trip letters and paid for school stuff. He’d celebrate my birthday while Naomi deliberately made sure she was working so she wouldn’t see me. Still, I never _ever_ did anything wrong. I obeyed her every rule even though I started to absolutely despise her as much as she did me. You don’t even want to know what she did when she found out I was gay. Jesus that was a bad night. That was when I was fourteen and had just started my freshman year in high school.”

“What happened?”

“Um…okay, there was a lot fighting – _a lot_ – and that was the first time I got kicked out of the house. She said I was a mistake and a disappointment and _‘maybe it’s a good job you’re gay because then you can’t reproduce’_ etcetera etcetera etcetera. She said all of that because she heard me asking dad about liking other boys. I confided in him about everything, you see. But yeah, that evening I left the house in tears and ran to my grandma’s house basically.

“I don’t know why but somehow all the shit she said that night went in one ear and out the other. I’d gotten good at ignoring the shit she said to me because the rational side of me always thought _how does she know what my kids would be like? Ten thousand of my children would be better than her stupid existence_.” He laughed softly. “I think that’s where my sense of humour came from. People at school used to think I was funny because I’d make jokes about her existence being stupid. Thinking back on it, making fun of it all was my coping method.”

“So Cas, what she said about you that day doesn’t affect you now?”

He looked at his feet. “I mean, it hurt that my own _mother_ said that to me – still does – but somehow my self confidence crushed her negative comments about me having kids. My dad always, _always_ boosted the way I felt about myself which kept me afloat I suppose. He was my knight in shining armour most of the time. He’d take me to the aquarium and the park and the movies. I used to absolutely worship him until my brothers were born. Dad was busy with them because they were young and Naomi carried on shunning me like she had done since I was three. And after that, Naomi broke dad down a lot. It was like he gave up. He just let her walk all over him. And me.

“And, luckily by then I was a bit older so I could fire some back at Naomi if you know what I mean. I found my voice and that’s when the verbal fighting started. I grew some balls and stood up for myself whenever she was unreasonable.”

“Did it feel good to stand up for yourself?”

“Of course. I could finally speak my mind and defend myself. We fought a hell of a lot – every night probably. I uh…I cried myself to sleep a lot. It was just that I wished I had a mother who loved me. Who actually cared for me. She seemed to know that I felt that way, because she used my feelings to get me to do stuff. This is where the whole _‘I’ll love you if you help me with the kids’_ and _‘I’ll let you eat today if you go to the corner shop and get me some cigarettes’_ thing comes in. She had me in a metaphorical cage, really. Even though all I wanted to do was leave home, she somehow kept me around after high school by _bribing me_ with stupid empty promises. I guess I just stuck with it because I was striving for her to so much as look at me like she was proud but…she never did.

“She always told me the cigarettes were for ‘her friend’. She was stupid to think I believed it but I never said anything until three months ago.”

“This wasn’t too long before you met Dean, right? Correct me if I’m wrong, but you got the night shift job at the coffee shop to fit around Naomi? I’m guessing the deal was that you did night shifts so you could look after your siblings during the day?”

“Exactly.” Cas sighed. “And now, well, you’re up to date. I did that for a year then she kicked me out three months ago and now I’m living very happily with Dean. And I’m at college studying a writing course and learning sign language.”

He watched Angela closely. There was an underlying sadness behind her eyes. He could see the sympathy bubbling up.

“I…” He started, licking his lips which had become dry. “I’m not going to tell you I’m definitely okay because…yeah, everything I just told you has really, really hurt me and it still does. But…being with Dean, it…it’s been so good for me. I’ve been feeling _so much_ better these last couple of months than I have for a very long time. It genuinely feels like the bad parts of my past are starting to slip away and the idea of a happy future is taking over. I can see through the smoke and it feels so refreshing that I’m feeling really on top of the world at the minute. I’m positive everything is looking up for me. I can really feel it.” He gave a small smile. Cas felt fragile after reliving a lot of that, but it was a sort of _good_ fragile. He’d _never_ told anyone the complete story, and this admittedly felt indescribably good to let it out.

He remembered the night when had a panic attack at Dean’s when they’d first started living together. “I do still have this stupid habit of…of _pulling_ my hair for some reason whenever I get all panicky and stressed out. I used to do it a lot when I was younger in my room – probably subconsciously – when I was frustrated or when I was crying or something. I must have been wiping tears off my face and running my hands through my hair which started off the whole hair tugging thing. It’s kinda hazy where that came from, but it doesn’t happen often. It’s nothing to worry about really, just a bad habit like someone biting their fingernails.”

Angela nodded. “Would you like some water?” She asked.

“Yes please.”

She crossed the room to the water cooler, getting him some cold water. It soothed his dry mouth when he drank some after she passed it to him.

“Thank you.” He said, sipping at it for a few moments.

“Cas, this puts a lot of perspective on things. No wonder you don’t sleep well. That sleeping medicine is working alright for you isn’t it?”

“Yeah it really helps. Not doing night shifts is helping too. It’s making everything I do much more regular and I have a lot more energy now.”

“Aw I’m pleased. And, Cas, you’re sure you’re okay dealing with the things Naomi has said to you? You can tell me if you’re not and we can work through it.” She said and it did make him think for a minute.

“I’ll admit, I get down sometimes. And when I do get down, I get really _really_ down about it. But I’ve found the best way to help with that is to surround myself with people. I’ll tell Dean I’m not feeling too good and he’ll call his mom or something and we’ll go to his old house where she lives and have a barbecue or a game night where I can find easy distraction from things. It’s one of the reasons I love him so much, he just…he just _always_ knows what to do.”

“Does he know you love him yet?” Angela smiled, scribbling down a few notes for future reference.

 “No.” He said, going all giddy. He wanted to tell Dean but he didn’t know how. “Soon though. Soon.”

“You two are very sweet together, Castiel. I’m sure he loves you just as much as you him.”

Cas smiled at that, feeling a little bit excited. If they both confessed they loved each other then they could say they were _in love_. Cas adored the thought of that.

“Angela?”

“Yes Cas?”

“I should tell Dean about my past, right?”

“It’s your decision, but now you know how it feels to tell _me_ all of this, think of how you’ll feel when you tell Dean. If he knew about it all, he’d know exactly what might make you upset and what to avoid, but on the other end of the scale, he’d know how to make you really happy; so in my opinion, I would tell him. I think he’d appreciate knowing what you’ve had to deal with and it would help him understand why sometimes sleeping is difficult for you, or why you go to a dark place in your head sometimes. If _he’d_ had an unpleasant childhood, you’d want to know what happened would you not?”

“You’re right. I was going to tell him but I was unsure. Although if you think it’s definitely going to be good for the relationship to be completely open, I’m definitely going to sit down with him and talk about what happened.”

“It’s a good choice, Cas. Dean will understand completely.”

“I think so too.”

Angela smiled at him “so, are you happy moving onto something else or would you like to talk about it some more?”

“I’m happy moving on. I feel good now I have all of that off my chest.”

“Okie dokie. Just know that if you want or need to talk about it any more in any of our next sessions, you can. Absolutely no problem.”

“Thanks Angela.”

“Wonderful.” She smiled. She was a very smiley person. Cas liked it. Just like everything else about Angela, her good mood always put him at ease. “So, shall we talk about this piece of writing you’ve done?”

* * *

 

“What?” Dean gasped, standing up suddenly. Cas was half way through telling him about the first time Naomi kicked him out and what she said when she found out he was gay. “I’m going to fucking punch her in the fucking _face!”_ He grumbled.

“Dean-”

“Cas she can’t say that shit to you and get away with it. That’s fucking _nasty_ saying it’s ‘good that you won’t have kids’.”

“Dean.” Cas repeated himself.

“She’s fucking…she just…” Dean sighed, slumping back down on the couch next to him. “I can’t- _why?”_

Cas looked down at his hands. “I think she just…tried to think of the most horrible thing possible to say to me. Her temper has never been forgiving.”

“Cas I’m sorry. I lost myself for a moment there. I just can’t…I can’t stand to hear how your voice breaks when you talk about it. It really gets me and I can’t explain how much I hate that woman.”

Cas licked his lips, sliding down the couch a few inches so he was in the correct position to rest his head on Dean’s chest. His boyfriend wrapped an arm around his back.

“It’s okay.” He twiddled with Dean’s shirt button in his fingers for something to do with his hands. “I know it’s a lot to take in all at once, but Naomi’s all bark no bite. She’ll say things just to be mean and cause trouble.”

“But Cas…that doesn’t make it alright. She still hurt you, and, well…do you want kids in the future?” The end of Dean’s sentence quietened.

“…yeah.”

“See, Cas. That comment hit home didn’t it?”

“Yes.” He admitted. “But Dean, trust me, anything she said may have hurt, but I didn’t take it seriously and…I think…I think maybe I should play you the recording.”

“The recording?”

“…I recorded the therapy session. The hard bit.”

“Isn’t that a violation of your own privacy?” Dean chuckled despite the heavy subject, running his thumb across Cas’ back where it was positioned around him.

“I guess so. I did it because I was planning on telling you everything and I might have needed to refer back to the session in case I missed something.” He completely relaxed against Dean. “I’ll play it to you because I was calmer at the therapy session and I got the whole story out. I think just listening will be easier for the both of us right now.”

Dean thought about it and nodded shortly after. Cas dug his phone out of his pocket and found the recording, hitting play and letting it repeat the story to Dean.

His boyfriend listened from the start to every word intently. Cas listened to his own voice, wanting to cringe, but he admired how collected he’d managed to be. There was no stuttering or stumbling or tumbling over words. He felt good about what he’d achieved.

As they got further and further through the recording, Dean’s embrace tightened and tightened. It wasn’t an unpleasant grip, but Cas knew Dean found it hard to listen to what he had to go through. It wasn’t that Dean _didn’t want_ to know what had happened – he insisted he _did_ – but what he said earlier about not liking how Cas’ ‘voice breaks’ when he tries to talk about it, Cas just knew Dean felt upset.

_‘If I woke up crying in the night, she’d just send my dad to sort me out.’_

_‘I cried myself to sleep a lot. I wished I had a mother who loved me. Who actually cared for me. She seemed to know that I felt that way, because she used my feelings to get me to do stuff.’_

_‘I left the house in tears and ran to my grandma’s house basically.’_

_‘I do still have this stupid habit of pulling my hair whenever I get all panicky and stressed out. I used to do it a lot when I was younger when I was frustrated or crying or something.’_

Cas made sure to stop the recording before it played the part with his love confession.

Dean stayed silent so Cas looked at him “…that’s everything, Dean.” Dean looked down, as if he was still processing everything he’d heard. Cas leant up and kissed his cheek, locking their fingers together. “I’m okay, Dean. I mean…you heard – I get down and you already know that but I’m really feeling a lot better.”

Eventually Dean turned his head and gave a small, soft smile. “I know baby.”

Cas melted a little at the endearing pet name of which Dean didn’t use often. When Dean used words like that, Cas knew he was going to say something, well, not _serious_ necessarily; but heartfelt. They were entering a delicate conversation, he could feel it. He liked the feeling.

“I’m sorry if it upset you, or…” he started but Dean pulled him close and wrapped his arm further across Cas’ back.

“I’m just sorry. I’m sorry you had to go through that.” Dean murmured into his hair. Cas felt pleasantly warm next to Dean and he relished the feeling of the tips of his boyfriend’s fingers slowly gliding through his hair.

“I’ve never told anyone about it before. Not the whole story, not until today. I’ve had it to myself for so long that I’ve kind of made peace with it sort of.”

“…you’re strong, Cas.” Dean stated quietly, his voice gentler than Cas may have ever heard. “You’re the strongest person I know. I just worry about you sometimes is all. That stuff is crushing and I just want to know…you’re definitely okay? And Cas, this isn’t me saying you’ve been lying about being alright and I’m not saying you don’t know your own feelings but…yeah, are you okay? Because I understand if not.” His voice was soft, almost lazy, but the good kind of lazy. It was like Dean thought about every single word before it left his mouth so his sentences came out slow, calculated, and in gentle deep rumbles from his chest.

Dean’s relaxed demeanour spread to Cas, and he too didn’t feel the need to rush his words out. He took his time, thinking it through. “I think about it a lot. Every day. But…it doesn’t bother me as much as it used to. I have much happier things to think about…especially _you_. You’ve been the…the light that I’ve been following these three months and already I’m in such a good place, I…I just feel like I’m finally starting to walk _beside_ you. I’m not following the light anymore; I’m walking with it. And it’s _you_.”

He felt a lingering kiss get pressed to the top of his head. Afterwards, Dean’s fingers returned to his hair. “Why me, Cas? How can you find me so inspiring?” Dean questioned honestly, as if he had doubts why Cas wanted to be there with him in his life.

“Because I love you Dean.” Cas said matter of factly, keeping his voice steady and affectionate. Straight out there now. No going back. Cas knew he wouldn’t need to go back though. This was it.

Dean stilled at that for a minute. It didn’t unnerve Cas one bit. He knew Dean liked thinking things through. Soon enough though, Dean shifted so him and Cas could make eye contact.

“You love me?” Dean asked, cupping Cas’ cheek with his warm hand.

Cas nodded. He kept eye contact with Dean, watching the soul within those green irises work out that this was really happening and suddenly become overridden with subtle joy.

Dean moved forwards and captured his lips in an emotional kiss.

“I love you too.” His boyfriend muttered between the slow slide of lips and a warmth filled Cas to the brim. He felt so good. He felt so _loved_. He was surprised when a single tear slipped down his face. It didn’t matter that Naomi didn’t love him because Dean loved him. _Dean loved him_.

“That’s right.” Dean whispered as if he could hear Cas’ thoughts. He continued to press sweet kisses. “I love you, sweetheart.”

Cas pressed more firmly to Dean’s mouth at the second endearment which sounded wonderful through his boyfriend’s accent. He moved his hand to the back of Dean’s head, carding his fingers through the shorter hairs there. He pulled Dean closer, humming as they exchanged such strong feelings.

Dean pushed forwards ever so slightly, making Cas sink backwards slowly until they were fully horizontal. His boyfriend stroked his hair back with both hands, managing to balance with his legs either side of Cas’ in the tight space of the couch.

Cas smiled into the kiss, shifting underneath Dean to get comfortable in their position. He grasped at Dean’s shoulders, parting his lips to allow the kiss to slowly become more heated. Dean pushed closer at this so their chests were pressing together.

He felt a small tingly feeling start spreading through his stomach. It was slowly spreading all over him and he started to feel hazy with the increasing arousal. Dean was so strong there on top of him. His hands were so firm and it was clear he knew exactly what he was doing. This always turned Cas on; the fact that Dean was experienced and confident. He could make Cas feel incredible things with those hands without even thinking about what was below his waist.

Cas turned his head to breathe for a few moments which was when Dean decided to move a hand from his hair to his chest – right between his collar bones. His boyfriend’s warm lips met the taut skin over the bone, pressing damp kisses across each one. It drew deeper breaths from Cas as he could hear the wet noise of each kiss Dean made.

Dean moved to his neck when Cas had tilted his head all the way to the side, allowing his boyfriend the room to suck on the skin there. Cas felt Dean flatten his palm on his chest before moving it down the centre then back up again slowly. His fingers grazed over his hardening nipples over the material of his hoodie and he gasped quietly at the feeling as a small flash of electricity that shot through his body.

Dean nipped at his earlobe then moved back to his mouth, kissing hard. They breathed the same air through the heavy kisses. When he felt Dean’s hand moving down his chest again, Cas wrapped his arms around his boyfriend’s back, splaying his hands and raking his fingernails down across the thin material of his shirt.

“Mmm.” Dean hummed against his mouth, pulling away ever so slightly. He stared at Cas’ face, gently grasping his chin with his free hand so Cas would make eye contact. “Up for it?” He rasped.

Cas appreciated Dean’s dishevelled hair where he’d had his hands in it. He balled up some of Dean’s shirt in his fist and pulled him back into the kiss, that being his answer.

Dean got the message, pushing his tongue against Cas’ desperately, moving his hand further down Cas’ body until it was positioned on his pelvis. Dean thumbed his protruding hipbones making Cas whimper. Now that felt _good_.

“Sensitive there, huh?” Dean murmured, brushing their lips together. Cas’ reply ended up being a gasp because Dean continued paying attention to his hipbones before trailing a hand down between his legs teasingly.

Cas’ skin prickled when Dean rubbed his crotch with his palm. He arched up into the touch, biting back a moan as Dean’s hand pressed more firmly. He panted, breath hitching every time the hand rubbed him through his pants.

“Dean…” he breathed, squeezing his boyfriend’s biceps. He swallowed thickly, realising that Dean had been watching his reactions to the teasing hand. “Fuck.” He scrunched his eyes, finding that small piece of information arousing to no end. _Dean was watching him_.

Dean pressed a finger to Cas’ lips gently, stopping the words from leaving his mouth. He breathed heavily through his nose, observing Dean’s devilish grin.

His boyfriend leaned up a few inches to press a kiss to his forehead before shifting down Cas’ body, dragging down across his clothes. Dean’s stomach brushed against his dick which was sticking up at this point. Dean knew exactly what he was doing, taking his time teasing Cas’ erection until he was positioned at his thighs.

Cas watched him closely, feeling his hips jerk a little when he thought of what was coming…as it were.

Dean placed his hands on his thighs and rubbed up and down, ignoring the place that Cas really did not want to be ignored. Dean smiled, looking up at him. “Needy little thing, aren’t you?” He purred deeply.

Cas blushed, gulping. Yeah, he was.

Dean rolled his eyes fondly before focusing his attention back on Cas’ lower half. The skin of his inner thighs quivered when Dean’s hands moved across it and before long his boyfriend was fumbling to undo his belt, the distinctive clanking sound of the metal making Cas squeeze his eyes shut at the connotation of that sound; _pleasure_. His erection throbbed and he felt the moment it was released from the confines of his pants when Dean pulled down his zip.

He risked looking down across the clothed planes of his own body at Dean, seeing the man staring back at him hungrily. Cas’ heart sped up at the sight of him dragging his boxers out of the way before licking his lips and leaning forward, moving the tip of his tongue lightly up the underside of his cock.

Cas took a sharp intake of breath at that, frantically trying to find something to hold on to until he settled for the throw which had slipped beneath him from the back of the couch. His fists were gripping so hard he white-knuckled, feeling Dean dip his tongue into his slit.

His breathing went shuddery when he watched his boyfriend blow him. Dean had finished teasing the heated skin and had taken the head into his mouth. Cas had been circumcised so Dean went straight there, running his tongue over the slit and _oh_ it felt _so_ good.

Cas made a small noise when he breathed in deeply, making eye contact with Dean as the man moved his mouth up and down and up and down and _oh god Cas was going to come from this if Dean kept looking at him like that._

Ever since he’d become sexually active with Dean, he’d come to realise he was extremely sensitive to foreign touch, as in, basically anything Dean did with his dick had him gasping in a matter of minutes. Dean loved it. He loved teasing Cas to the point he’d absolutely _beg_ for it.

“Dean.” He moaned as his felt a soft hand slip further into his boxers and play with his balls gently, the feeling of his dick being surrounded by hot wetness already dizzying him with pleasure.

His boyfriend moved his reddened lips up and down his shaft with determined vigour, hollowing his cheeks causing an incredible suction feeling.

That started the extra heated feeling in his dick, which spread to his balls making them tighten as his muscles clenched. The heat moved through to his abdomen until there was a lot of pressure, all caused by Dean who was now swallowing around his dick. He gasped and gasped at the impending orgasm, closing his eyes in utter bliss when he felt precome dribbling from his arousal into Dean’s mouth. Dean licked his slit every time it happened. Cas couldn’t help but buck up into his mouth, Dean having to hold his hips still with those firm hands.

His heart was pounding and his breathing was stuttering at every exhale. All he could think about was the feeling of what Dean was doing at that moment to his dick, and he thought he might burst from drowning in so much _goddamn pleasure_.

“Dean… _ah_ Dean. Dean fuck- oh _OH-_ I…” He had to gasp for breath between his sentence full of babble. “F-feels so _gOOD,_ fuck I…Dean…”

Dean didn’t stop his ministrations, meaning by the time he was ready to come, Cas was a shaking mess. “N-need…De- _I need_ …”

His boyfriend swallowed him down further with one hand still fondling his balls and the other rubbing his right hipbone comfortingly.

The pressure built so high, Cas felt like he exploded when he came. It went on and on, and Dean kept on swallowing and swallowing.

He felt his dick continuously twitch as each spurt came, and with Dean’s hands still massaging his tightened balls, he felt insanely good.

For a moment he worried that Dean didn’t enjoy it, but when he glanced down, he saw that his boyfriend’s hand had moved from his hip and was now inside his own pants, jerking himself off at the sight and sound and feeling of Cas coming.

When he was finally finished, Cas relaxed against the cushions feeling a little dazed, trying to catch his breath. Dean carried on pressing soft kisses to his dick until he was soft before moving back up and smiling at Cas. “You always come so hard when I give you a blowjob.”

He felt his cheeks redden and went sheepish. He hoped they wouldn’t stop here – he was still up for more and besides, he could feel Dean’s erection pressing against his stomach so that was a signal that things were going to escalate even further.

“And it’s fucking hot.” Dean added, lowering down to press a lingering kiss to Cas’ mouth.

They stayed close and comfortable for a minute or two until Dean shifted and they were both reminded that they weren’t finished just yet.

“Wanna take this to the bedroom?” Dean questioned quietly. Cas nodded immediately.

“Yes.”

They pushed themselves up off the couch and headed for the bedroom promptly. Well, Cas decided to make a quick detour to the bathroom. He knew that in all of the movies no one ever made a detour like this during a sex scene, but that just makes them seem inhuman. Of course, in his opinion, who doesn’t need to pee after coming? Because he always did. And besides, he’d had like two coffees before sitting down with Dean, so naturally he was desperate. Sue him, Hollywood.

Even though his dick was a little sensitive, he sighed softly as he relieved himself. He hadn’t realised his bladder had been straining all through that, but meh, whatever. He was fine now.

When he was done he didn’t bother tucking himself away and looked in the mirror. He was assuming they were going to have sex, right? They’d only done it once before and that happened to be when Cas lost his virginity so…okay maybe he was a little nervous again.

He had experience but only a bit of experience. What if- _no_. He wasn’t going to let his thoughts run wild by thinking of everything that could go wrong. What he eventually decided he wanted to do was clean himself up everywhere before leaving the bathroom. He had a thing about being clean and last time they did this he’d showered beforehand, so right now he settled for a washcloth and some warm water.

He made a quick job of it and since he’d taken all of his clothes off to do it, he decided to slip just his boxers back on.

When he reached the bedroom, Dean was standing there waiting for him in nothing but boxers too. His boyfriend walked over and put his hands on his cheeks, staring into his eyes. “You okay?” He questioned.

“Yeah.” Cas nodded. He was okay.

Dean sighed, a small smile spreading across his lips. “You’re nervous aren’t you.”

Cas shrugged. “I guess…a little.”

“We don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

“No, I do.” He replied with a shy smile. “I just need to get back into it.”

Dean nodded. “Alright. But if you wanna stop, we can, okay?”

“Okay.” Cas smiled, stepping forwards to capture Dean’s lips in a kiss.

Dean wrapped his arms around him and Cas felt secure. Dean never did anything he was uncomfortable with. He was so patient and supportive. Cas had decided it was because Dean was older – he was mature and knew what to do all the time. It was just…comforting. Cas liked the age gap between them.

His boyfriend backed them up towards the bed slowly until Cas’ thighs hit the mattress. He got on to the bed and shuffled back, letting Dean climb on top of him.

Dean smiled down at him and reconnected their lips. Cas bent his knee up towards Dean’s crotch and rubbed him with his knee, earning himself a delicious gasp from his boyfriend.

He ran his hands down Dean’s taut chest, feeling the muscles move under his fingers.

A deep groan rumbled from Dean’s chest when Cas pressed his knee harder, suddenly flipping them over. His gave a playful smirk when Dean looked at him in surprise.

He wasted no time in diving down and sucking Dean’s nipple into his mouth, swirling his tongue around the hardened nub and nipping it with his teeth.

Dean groaned again, pushing his hands into Cas’ thick hair. Cas kept on rubbing Dean’s growing hard-on with his knee, moving on to his other nipple.

He made his way down Dean’s body and stopped to tug off his boxers. Dean lifted his hips to make it easier and Cas was already taking Dean down his throat before his boxers hit the floor.

Dean gasped, tugging Cas’ hair in two handfuls as Cas moved up and down quickly, teasing the head with his tongue before moving down again.

“Fuck Cas.” Dean huffed, releasing his grip on Cas’ hair in favour of stroking it. “You’re so pretty.”

Cas pulled off for a moment so he could speak and catch his breath at the same time. “Pretty with your massive cock rammed down my throat?”

Dean’s eyes widened. Cas had never talked that dirty before and he had to admit; he kinda liked it.

“Fuck. Fucking hell that was hot as fuck.” Dean squeezed his eyes shut and Cas tasted the saltiness of precome in his mouth when he went back to swallowing his boyfriend’s dick down.

He kept on for a while until Dean dragged him off. Cas assumed he was getting close to coming judging from his flushed skin.

He wiped his reddened lips with the back of his hand and sat up, watching Dean expectantly.

Dean moved to sit beside him. “Lie down.” He breathed, kissing Cas’ cheek.

He did as Dean said and settled down against the pillows. Dean was down at the bottom of the bed and Cas was on his back so he couldn’t really see what he was doing.

Dean suddenly appeared next to him. Cas watched him look his body up and down before Dean decided how it all was going to go. “Touch yourself.”

Cas felt his heart leap. He felt so excited. Why had he been nervous?

He reached down into his boxers, letting his fingers come into contact with his dick. A small sigh left him when he ran his fingers lightly over the silky skin. He was still mostly soft but he knew that was going to change very soon.

Dean moved away so he closed his eyes, focusing on himself for a while, teasing himself until that tingly feeling came back. He started to harden in his hand while he held himself, rubbing his thumb across the top of his penis slowly. It felt really nice.

He sighed again, feeling his intense arousal sparking to life.

He wrapped his hand all the way around his dick and moved his hand at a steady pace, losing himself in it for a while until Dean’s hand gently wrapped around his wrist, carefully pulling his arm away.

He opened his eyes to see Dean looking down at him lovingly.

“You’re beautiful when you do that.” He said quietly. “You’re beautiful all the time, but…you’re beautiful _and_ hot when you’re jerking off all sensual like that.”

Cas’ cheeks went pink and Dean’s soft smile widened further. He leaned down and pressed a gentle kiss to his lips, moving his hands below Cas’ waist to slip his boxers off.

When the last item of clothing between them was removed, Dean paid special attention to Cas’ body for the second time that night. Dean got him all worked up again until he was gasping in ecstasy.

He jumped when he felt something cold against his hole, realising it was Dean’s finger.

Cas relaxed while Dean placed a steady hand on his thigh, comforting him for a moment before pressing his finger against Cas’ hole again.

His finger slipped in easily causing Dean to frown. “You’re not as tight as last time.”

“I cleaned myself before I came in here.” He admitted, shrugging.

Dean rolled his eyes fondly. “You didn’t have to do that.”

“I know but I wanted to. You know I like being clean.”

Dean smiled. “Fair enough. Okay.” He nodded, moving back to opening him up.

Soon one finger became three and Dean was shoving them in and out of him, having Cas moaning filthily with each thrust.

All of his nerves were lit on fire and it was as if they were all sparking each other, building up the energy that made him gasp so jerkily. Dean hit his sweet spot nearly every time sending electricity running up and down his spine.

Cas found himself jerking off again when Dean removed his fingers, closing his eyes so he could just _feel_ the pleasure coursing through his veins.

The tingly feeling went _all over_ when he heard the tearing of the condom packet and the snappy sounds of Dean rolling it onto himself.

He reopened his eyes when he felt Dean looming over him and his boyfriend cupped his cheek. “You ready? Sure you’re all good?”

Cas nodded, smiling warmly. He was ready. He was excited. He loved spending this kind of time with Dean.

Dean shifted an inch or two - still hovering over him - before he reached down with one hand, guiding himself to press against Cas’ hole.

 _Again_ the tingly feeling was there but- wait…tingly in his nose?

“Wait!” He said accidentally quite loudly while turning his head away, not being able to stop the dry sneeze that rattled his body when it hit.

He waited in that position for a few moments until he was sure he wouldn’t sneeze again.

Cas looked back up at Dean who was chuckling quietly.

“Sorry.” He smiled.

Dean shook his head and kissed him softly, staying close. “I love you.”

“Love you too.”

Dean kissed him again. “You still ready?”

“Yeah.” Cas laughed. “Ready.”

His boyfriend pressed against his hole again. Cas flinched slightly when the bluntness split him open.

Dean leaned close to his ear. “Remember to relax, babe. Just relax, it’s okay.”

Cas nodded and forced his lower muscles to relax, allowing Dean to move in inch by inch slowly as he gradually adjusted to Dean inside him.

He made sure he stayed relaxed, breathing deeply when the stinging got sharp. Dean carried on pushing in very slowly, taking hold of Cas’ dick and stroking it to help distract him from the little bit of pain. Cas knew he was tight and this was only his second time doing this. He knew it would hurt and was thankful he was doing it with Dean. Someone else may have been less careful and considerate.

Dean moved in the rest of the way and waited for Cas to adjust. He breathed through the full feeling, shifting around a little until he was comfortable.

He grasped at Dean’s shoulders, pushing him back to encourage him to move. Dean complied and went back then moved forwards again. He repeated it a few times until a steady pace was set, and he matched his body movements with his hand on Cas’ heated dick, sending pleasure running through him at fifty miles an hour.

Cas focused on the sensation of Dean’s dick buried in him, moving in and out smoothly since the hefty amount of lube was doing its job. Just the wet, slapping noises of Dean’s movement had his dick hardening impossibly more, standing between his legs as Dean carried on jerking him off. The intense stimulation coming from all over had him moaning like an absolute whore and he loved it.

He dug his fingernails into Dean’s arms making little red semicircles which caused Dean to groan a little, snapping his hips more sharply when he started to get lost in the feeling.

Cas reached over to him and grabbed hold of his hips firmly, pulling him forwards roughly. He needed it _harder_. Freaking _harder_.

“ _Oh…_ ” He whimpered, becoming dizzy in his state of _feeling so much._ Dean’s dick felt so good and _Jesus_ Cas was gone. He was _gone_. “ _Dean!_ Ah…f-fuck…” He whimpered in raw, shaky, sizzling hot bliss. “Harder. Please. _H-harder_.” His voice was raspy and needy but _oh_ he wanted it. _God_ did he want it.

Dean let go of Cas’ dick and positioned his hands either side of his head, now stable enough to pound into him _hard_ just like he begged for.

“ _Christ…AH, FUUUCK DEAN…”_ Cas basically screamed when Dean rubbed past his prostate repeatedly _over and over and over_. It lit every one of his nerves on fire until he felt like he was sizzling, becoming light headed from the sheer gravitas of pleasure that hit him.

Dean grunted and Cas could literally feel him pulsing inside him where it was so tight. Dean’s dick was so hard and pushed so firmly that he found all he could do was lie there and gasp at every thrust. He was sure he’d never felt so physically good before, like, _holy mother of fuck_ it felt so good it must have been sinful.

He took hold of Dean’s shoulders and yanked him down so he could kiss him. Dean pressed down, meeting him with a messy, open-mouthed meeting of lips. “Mmmph.” Cas made a noise when Dean pulled away just a few centimetres.

Dean’s lips lingered against his own and suddenly he felt his boyfriend’s hand on his aching dick, squeezing gently as the movement of his hips slowed.

Cas squeaked at the sensation, even _that_ feeling good. Dean did things to him that he was sure no one else could. He was close to coming – maybe Dean had foreseen that – and was now breathing heavily, not being able to anticipate what was going to happen.

He took a sharp intake of breath when Dean slipped out of him slowly, and sat up to watch his boyfriend move to the top of the bed and rest against the headboard.

He opened his arms and Cas glanced at Dean’s cock, standing proudly before realising what Dean was suggesting they do.

Eager, he made his way over and carefully climbed into Dean’s lap, keeping himself elevated so he didn’t lower down too far yet.

“This?” He questioned, feeling a bead of sweat slowly roll down the side of his face.

Dean nodded, placing a hand on his waist and the other underneath Cas to line himself up.

With Dean’s help, Cas sank down on to his cock, his eyes fluttering closed as it filled him up again, going further this time.

When he’d completely bottomed out, Dean circled his arms around him and Cas knew the atmosphere had changed from the animalistic hump session to a sort of…relaxed love.

He placed his hands at the top of Dean’s shoulders, moving up an inch then back down again. Dean’s dick was rubbing him in all the right places and he couldn’t help but make a little gasp every time his prostate got hit with the tip of Dean’s blunt cock.

Dean placed both hands on his waist, guiding him up and down and Cas took the time to look into Dean’s eyes, feeling the love they shared right there and then from their connection. Both mental and physical.

He leant forward and shared a gentle, loving kiss with Dean, keeping it going until things spiced up again and Dean was rutting up into him in hard little jerks that had Cas moaning softly. He felt the pressure in his groin building higher and his balls felt tighter than his own ass. He was ready.

“Dean- _ah…”_ He whispered, cutting himself off with a small mewl-like thing. “Dean I-I’m gonna come. I’m- I- I’m gonna come.” His dick was trapped between them and was being constantly rubbed by their stomachs pressed together. He couldn’t ignore it and it felt so good that he was building all the way up to orgasm in a matter of seconds.

He leaned forwards and rested his head on Dean’s shoulder, breathing so heavily he could feel the air filling his lungs then leaving. “Dean.” He gasped. “Dean.” He gasped. “ _Dean.”_ He gasped.

What sent him over the edge eventually was Dean touching his dick, simply running his thumb over the head and stimulating his slit. It had Cas coming harder than the first time and his come covered everywhere between them and he found himself biting Dean’s shoulder, breathing through his nose in heavy pants.

He felt Dean jerk underneath him and Cas could feel the cock inside him pulsing harder, rutting in little jolts. Dean groaned and held Cas as close as possible as he made his way through his own orgasm.

When Cas realised he’d bitten Dean, he stopped straight away, seeing the red mark he made. He decided to lick over it slowly, soothing the skin and a moment later he felt Dean’s hand at the back of his head, running through his hair.

“Cas?”

“Mmm?” He hummed, coming down from the high now and starting to feel extremely tired. He let his head rest on Dean’s shoulder.

“That was…” his boyfriend paused for breath “the best sex I’ve ever had.”

“’m honoured.” He mumbled and Dean chuckled, the deep rumble of his chest vibrating through to Cas.

“Sleepy now, huh? Come here, I’ll clean us up.” Dean’s voice was soft and he felt so tired he didn’t really know what was happening.

Somehow Dean managed to start lifting him up off his softening cock. Cas tried his best to help moving up but his thighs were aching so much from riding Dean in that position. Dean ended up doing most of the work. Cas was quite light anyway, so before he knew it he was lying down on the soft bedclothes and blankets on their bed.

When he’d closed his eyes, he found his consciousness sinking into the comfort of the bed as much as his body was until there was a pleasant air of sleepiness hanging over him.

He had no idea how much time passed before he felt something wet and warm being wiped down his chest. A cloth. A washcloth…yeah, one of those.

Cas wanted to wake himself up so bad so Dean didn’t have to clean him up, but he was absolutely drained. He was so nearly asleep that he could barely comprehend his own thought processes.

The cloth cleaned him everywhere before he felt a warm hand on his cheek. “Cas?”

“Mmm?” He turned his head and mumbled into the blanket by his head.

“You need to pee again or are you all good?”

“’m fine.”

“Alright.” He heard Dean say before he felt the covers being lifted. Dean got into bed first then dragged the blankets over Cas after. Cas felt Dean pull him close – chest to chest – so he buried his nose into Dean’s warm skin, relishing the feeling of fingers in his hair and sweet nothings being murmured softly in his ear.

He slept very well that night.

* * *

 

**DEAN**

He woke up slowly, hugging Cas really close. It was warm where they were and he’d had the most amazing sleep. He’d looked at the clock before they went to sleep that night and they’d been at it for _three hours_ , if not a little longer. Cas had been so cute and tired at the end, jeez. He loved him.

Dean opened his eyes, realising in a little shock that Cas was not sleeping next to him. Cas wasn’t even _there_. He’d been hugging the covers and blankets to himself like a lovesick weirdo.

He pushed the bunched up covers away so he could push himself to sit up. He blinked against the slivers of golden light reaching through the gap underneath the curtains.

Yawning, he stood up and stumbled around the room in search of pants or boxers or something since he was naked and was getting cold.

Last night had been _great_. Cas was so hot and Christ, Dean had never imagined he’d talk so dirty. Sure, what Cas said could have been much filthier, but this was _Cas_. Dean was starting to realise he was a horny little shit when he got going. Completely unlike Cas’ usual calm, collected, composed self. Nice.

He pushed the bedroom door open and walked down the hall towards the living room. Here, he heard fast-paced tapping on a keyboard before he saw Cas sitting at the breakfast counter, working away on his laptop, fully dressed.

Dean stood in the doorway in amusement, waiting for Cas to realise he was there. A minute or so passed before Cas glanced up from above his laptop and jumped, placing his hand on his chest. “Fuck me.” He gasped in surprise so clearly Dean’s presence was unexpected.

Dean started wandering over to him across the room. “I already did that.” He shrugged, heading for the coffee.

Cas rolled his eyes. “Very funny, Winchester.”

Dean snorted and once he’d fixed up some coffee, he went behind Cas and circled his arms across his boyfriend’s chest. “Speaking of, last night was… _let’s just say…there are no words_.”

Cas nodded turning his head to kiss Dean’s cheek. “I agree but…” he laughed quietly “my ass is aching like a mother _fucker_.”

“Signs of a good night, right?” Dean smiled, burying his nose in the hair at the side of Cas’ head.

“Absolutely.  We need to do it more, I didn’t think I’d be so horny.”

“Tell me about it.” Dean chuckled. “ _’Pretty with your massive cock rammed down my throat?’_ ” He repeated what Cas had said last night.

His boyfriend blushed a light pink. “You didn’t complain.”

“You should talk like that more often, it’s hot as fuck.” He said, realising Cas’ hair was a little damp. “Mmm, you smell nice. Have you showered already? It like eight in the morning.”

“I woke up at six for some reason so I got up. Decided to work on my dissertation because I’ve had an email from my lecturer. She said she stayed up ‘til two in the morning reading my work because she couldn’t put it down.”

“Shit Cas. I knew it was good. Even the queen of boredom is addicted.”

“She isn’t the queen of boredom. She’s just picky.”

“Eh whatever. But yeah, that’s awesome Cas. I’m proud of ya.” He kissed him again before pulling away, seeing a juice box on the counter. “How old are you?” He giggled, picking it up. “Apple juice?”

Cas shrugged. “It’s nice, shut up.” He said, grabbing his drink back. It was nearly empty anyway.

Dean laughed to himself and went around the counter to stand opposite Cas so he could make eye contact. “On a more serious note, Cas, um…everything you talked about yesterday about Naomi and the recording and everything – you’re definitely okay?”

Cas stared into his eyes for a moment. “Yeah, I’m good. Sometimes it’s hard but after telling you about it I’m really starting to move on. I’m happy.” He smiled genuinely and Dean returned it.

“Good. And you know I’m here if you need to talk. Anytime.”

Cas nodded, speaking a minute later when Dean had retrieved his coffee. “Dean?”

“Hmm?”

“You know how I love you?”

Dean smiled, moving back to his position opposite Cas at the other side of the counter. “And how I love you too – yes?”

 “Yeah, well, I just wanna say you look really handsome when you’re asleep…” he admitted, looking at Dean slightly mischievously. “Especially when you’re sleeping…naked.” He added.

Dean squinted at him, thinking and thinking of why Cas was being all suspicious. After searching Cas’ face for a while, he glanced at Cas’ hand which was tapping his downturned phone on the counter, supposedly subconsciously. _Oh._

Dean couldn’t help but burst into laughter, doubling over when the realisation hit him fully. Cas had been awake before him so his boyfriend had taken a photo of him sleeping naked. Dean still owed him a picture because of taking that one of Cas at the sandwich shop yesterday.

Well, he wasn’t complaining. There were worse photos Cas could take of him.

“You sly bastard.” He said through another bout of laughing. God did he _love_ Cas – what a sneaky little shit.

After giving a wide, mischievous grin while Dean was laughing, Cas just looked up at him innocently.

The only sound Cas made came from his near-empty apple juice box, which rattled when he drank the last few drops nonchalantly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I've decided to write an epilogue. I keep getting ideas for things to put in it so it's gonna happen!
> 
> P.S...  
> This is the photo Dean takes of Cas: https://casdeanbee.tumblr.com/post/184505756834  
> This is the look on Cas' face at the end: https://casdeanbee.tumblr.com/post/184505751544


	4. Epilogue

**Ten Years Later**

Cas turns around at the noise his son makes while he’s sitting in his high chair. He smiles, shaking his head.

“Aw how did you get it all over your face?” He wets a cloth at the sink then goes over to Nicky who is giggling.

Cas wipes the three year old’s mouth clean of the sticky remains of his oatmeal. “Daddy!” He chirps, clapping his hands.

“Yeah, I’m daddy.” He chuckles. “You want out?” Cas smiles down at the boy who nods, so he lifts him up with a big swing. “There we go.”

“Socks!” Nicky beams when their cat, Socks, walks through into the kitchen.

Cas only has a vague idea of how their cat ended up being called Socks. He’s pretty sure they started calling him Socks because he got a sock stuck to his claw and walked around with it, dragging it across the floor. Cas thinks that may have also been one of Nicky’s first words (random, right?), and it just kind of stuck. Hilarious.

Dean was just glad _‘the damn thing is hypoallergenic’_ because he was worried about having a reaction to it, but luckily he gets on with Socks fine. Cas knows that deep down Dean loves that cat as much as Nicky does. He’ll just never admit it, even when he’s enjoying stroking its black and white fur. It’s a very furry cat.

Pushing the in-depth cat thoughts aside, Cas puts the little boy down carefully, watching him make his way over to Socks to stroke him gently all the way from his head to the tip of his tail. Cas shakes his head fondly.

He’s so glad him and Dean decided to move into a proper house in the suburbs of town. It’s a nice neighbourhood with a park and is near the forest path where they usually go for walks. Everyone in the area is really nice and there are lots of other kids that play with each other in the streets. Once he’s old enough, Cas and Dean will let Nicky play there too.

Cas’ buzzing phone draws him from his thoughts. When he sees the caller ID, it is a number he is expecting the very least. Yet, he answers the call.

“Hi dad.”

_“Hi son. How are things going?”_

He rubs the back of his neck, if a little awkwardly. “Um…good. You?”

_“Well…Cas…that’s kind of what I’m calling about.”_

Frowning, Cas moves his phone to his other ear, glancing over at Nicky to make sure he’s still okay.

“Dad, has something happened?”

There is a long silence on the other end of the phone. Cas doesn’t know why this conversation is turning out so awkward. He sees his dad occasionally – around once every three months probably, even though they only live within a thirty to forty minute drive from each other.

_“Uh, Cas, it’s about Naomi…”_

Cas feels a sudden rush of hatred creep through him at the mention of her, but he hears his dad out.

“What about her?” He asks, his voice quite sharp.

_“…your mother is dying.”_

 

* * *

 

“Daddy?” Nicky’s little voice snaps him from a small trance of shock. He blinks a few times, realising he zoned out for a good while.

His son tugs on the leg of his jeans, looking up at him with his big blue eyes. “Uh, yeah, sorry, just a second sweetheart.” He speaks down to Nicky softly, placing a hand flat on the top of his head.

“What’s up with her?” He asks his dad, hoping he’s still on the other end of the line.

_“She had a stroke in the night. She’s in the hospital and they’re saying she’s not going to make it.”_

Cas nods even though his dad can’t see him. He swallows, almost audibly. His dad actually sounds surprisingly calm.

“Are you there right now?”

_“Yeah. Just left the room she’s in.”_

Cas shifts where he’s standing “…dad, what are you suggesting I do?” He has no idea what he’s getting at. Does his dad want him to come? Stay away? Pick him up from the hospital? Make plans to sing _ding dong the witch is dead_ with him? What is it?

_“…I guess I was just letting you know in case you wanted to come. Y’know, come and see her.”_

Cas pinches the bridge of his nose and sighs. “I don’t know dad. I…she…I cut her out of my life ten years ago. You know that.”

_“It’s up to you really. I’ll leave you to decide, but I’ll text you which hospital and which room and whatnot anyway.”_

“Okay. I’ll let you know if I’m coming or not anyway.”

_“Alright. See ya then.”_

“Bye dad.”

_“Bye.”_

Cas lowers the phone, watching the screen go dark. He doesn’t know what to do.

Does he continue with his life like nothing’s happened, or does he go and pay his respects while Naomi is still breathing? To any other person, it would be a no brainer to go and pay respects, but…all he can remember is those times when she deliberately booked herself in at work so she didn’t have to see him. All those times she shouted at him. All those times she made him cry.

It’s a horrible, conflicting feeling.

He’s brought out of his thoughts when Nicky tugs on his jeans again. He looks down. “Aw I’m sorry.” Cas leans down and lifts the little boy up. “You okay?”

“Pacifier?” Nicky raises his eyebrows in question.

“Yeah, I’ll get it for you. What do you say first?”

“Pleeaase.” The boy smiles and Cas taps his nose.

“Good boy.”

He walks across the kitchen and picks the pacifier up from the counter before easing it into Nicky’s mouth. The boy gives a grateful blink and rests his head on Cas’ shoulder. Cas lifts his hand to support his back, getting the vibe that their son is sleepy now.

Cas paces around the kitchen to calm Nicky to sleep, and it also gives him time to mull his thoughts over.

He really doesn’t know what to do. The better part of him wants to just go to the hospital, show his face then leave. But the other part of him is reminding him of everything Naomi put him through when he was younger.

Through his pacing, Cas ends up in the living room, looking at all of the family photos him and Dean have accumulated over the years. Some of the frames contain photos of the three of them with friends, some of Dean’s family, some of Cas and his brothers. A mix really.

And that’s when he thinks of Dean. _Amazing_ Dean.

He’ll talk to Dean about it. He’ll drive to Dean’s work and talk in person which is better than over the phone with such a sensitive subject. He could really see Dean right now. It’s nearly lunch too, so there’s a chance Dean will be on his break.

Without another thought, he starts gathering things together in Nicky’s diaper bag. He manages to put a coat on the boy and clip him into his car seat without waking him up which is a great achievement.

Cas gets into the driver’s seat and pulls into the road, just thinking and thinking and thinking about everything.

 

* * *

 

Cas pushes the door open to the big coffee store that Dean now owns, along with several others across the city. Yeah, Dean did well with climbing the local coffee career ladder. He’s basically at the top.

He approaches the counter, smiling at Benny. “Hi Benny.”

“Oh, hey brother. You good?”

“Is Dean on break?” Cas shifts Nicky in his arms subconsciously.

“Uh yah, want me t’ go get ‘im?”

“If you wouldn’t mind.” Cas nods.

“No problem.” Benny gives another smile before turning around and walking towards the back where the staff room is.

Cas hears him say (pretty loudly) _“Hey Dean, brother, your man’s here.”_

Cas rolls his eyes and Benny sees when he makes his way back over, laughing at him. “Looks like you got your little man here too, huh?”

“Yeah. Little monster more like.” Cas jokes and Benny chuckles at that, nodding to Cas before he has to serve a customer.

Dean opens the door to the staff room and spots Cas straight away, giving him a huge smile. “Hey!”

“Hi Dean.” He smiles back, sharing a short kiss with Dean when his husband reaches the other side of the counter.

When they pull away, Dean is still smiling but it fades a little when he sees the look in Cas’ eyes. Apparently Dean can read him like a book.

“What’s wrong? Is everything okay?” Dean suddenly questions, looking down at Nicky and stroking his hair to check their son is okay. He places his other hand on Cas’ shoulder.

Cas licks his lips. “I needed to see you.”

Dean nods and turns around, spying out an empty booth in the far corner of the shop. He leads Cas over and they sit side by side, finding it quite quiet away from the central hustle and bustle where other people are sitting.

“Dean, my dad called me.” Cas turns to face him.

Dean keeps eye contact, searching Cas’ eyes as if it’ll give him answers.

Cas just continues. “He…um…he said that Naomi had a stroke last night and she’s in the hospital. He says she’s dying.”

Dean’s face is unreadable for a few moments before he lets out a breath, glancing away from Cas towards the wall. “ _Shit.”_ He mutters quietly, aware Nicky is asleep.

“He said I can go if I want, but I can’t stop thinking of what she did to me…I just…yeah, I don’t know what to do.” He releases a shaky breath.

Dean puts his hand on Cas’ thigh comfortingly, thinking things through like Cas had done. He takes hold of Cas’ spare hand and locks their fingers together, running a thumb over Cas’ knuckles.

“Do you want closure?” Dean asks gently, regaining eye contact.

Cas breaks it though, looking down at the table “I…I don’t know.” He takes in a deep breath. “Do you think it would help?”

Dean nods, sliding an arm across Cas’ shoulders. “I think…when she passes away, even though she’s been an absolute bitch to you…would you feel more at peace if you had one last chat with her rather than never knowing what may have happened?”

Cas lets the words sink in. He lets himself sink too, all the way down so he’s resting his head against Dean’s neck. The warmth of Dean grounds him a little. “I would feel like I’d been respectful, but nothing else. She means nothing to me, so I’m hardly going to cry at her bedside and reminisce.”

“But aside from that…it would make you feel like you did the right thing, even though you didn’t want to?”

Cas thinks about it “…yes.”

They sit in comfortable silence for a while, appreciating being close in their secluded corner. Dean rubs Cas’ shoulder up and down, and it calms Cas to no end. In fact, Dean’s whole presence calms him. It always does. He’s lucky to have a husband as good as Dean.

With that thought, Cas turns his head and presses a light kiss to Dean’s neck. “Thank you.”

“I’ll come with you.” Dean decides.

Cas sits up, looking into his eyes. “If you want to stay here and help out, I don’t mind. I can drop Nicky off at your mom’s or something.”

“No, it’s okay. I’ll come with and then I can look after Nicky as well. Benny’s got it covered here anyway.”

“Are you sure?”

“Anything for you.” Dean gives him an affectionate smile and kisses his cheek before sliding out of the booth, presumably to go get his stuff.

Cas sighs and strokes Nicky’s dark hair, surprised the boy has managed to stay asleep for this long with Cas bringing him into quite a busy coffee shop. But no, he remains fast asleep in his arms. 

If anything, Cas feels a little dazed. All of this has been so sudden and unexpected. Like, he doesn’t see Naomi for ten years (in fact, he hasn’t even _thought_ about Naomi for ten years) and suddenly today he’s going to see her? It feels weird. Horrible.

A series of memories flash by behind his eyes. So much has happened since that awful night when Naomi threw him out of the house.

He’s met Dean, gone to college, finished college and finished therapy. He spent some time travelling with Dean then got home and married him. They spent another couple of years being free to do as they please, held up by a decent amount of money Dean somehow _(somehow)_ won in the lottery. Cas thought he was joking at the time when Dean told him the numbers they _always_ pick won. Well, turns out they did win. Then Dean got a stable job managing a local coffee shop and they spent the rest of the money on a deposit for the amazing house they have now. After another year, they decided to have a child. And so, Nicky was born through surrogate with Castiel’s DNA (of course, now, Nicky is a spitting image of Castiel what with dark chestnut hair and striking blue eyes). Next time they do it, Dean has to be the one to _‘have to stand in a creepy room with porn magazines and jerk off into a pot’_. Cas hated it at the time, but now he has his son who he loves with all his heart and who he wouldn’t trade for the world. Him, Dean and Nicky function just like a happy little family should. When Nicky turned one, Cas’ book was published and became popular among a wide demographic. He won some awards. He’s working on another book now. And now Naomi is dying, and after ten whole years, suddenly Cas is seeing her again.

 

* * *

 

Cas walks into the hospital, fingers intertwined with Dean’s and the diaper bag on his other shoulder. Dean’s carrying Nicky in his other arm. Their son woke up when they both drove back home so they could come here in one car. Nicky was excited to see Dean, but ended up falling asleep again during the drive in the Impala to the hospital.

If he’s honest, Cas feels a bit sick. His stomach’s turning with nerves and he doesn’t really know what he’s going to find when he reaches Naomi’s room. He knows Dean can sense his tension - (“ _anyone_ in this situation would feel what you’re feeling, Cas”) Dean had said to him – but still, he feels an unsteady feeling twisting his insides around and around.

They reach the right floor and find the ward where Naomi is. Cas pushes himself all the way there, not allowing his legs to stop moving.

He’s thirty years old now. Why is this so difficult?

“It’s okay, Cas.” Dean squeezes his hand. “I know it’s difficult. You don’t have to go in right away, alright? Why not stay out here in the waiting room for a bit.”

Cas nods, planning on doing just that right after he finds the bathroom. He really feels sick now.

“I don’t feel too good, I’m just…gonna go to the bathroom.” Cas takes in a few deep breaths. Dean shoots him a worried look.

“I can see - you really don’t look well, babe.” Dean places his hand on Cas’ cheek. “We can just go if you want. I don’t want this to make you ill.”

Cas shakes his head, swallowing “…no, I think I need to do this. I just need…a moment. I’ve gotta go.”

Cas presses his hand against his mouth and Dean watches him take a few steps back before heading to the bathrooms they walked past not too far away.

He pushes the door open and manages to get himself locked in a cubicle before he collapses to his knees, leans over the toilet bowl – hands grasping either side of it tightly - and silently chokes up his stomach contents. He’s glad it isn’t violent, but it exhausts him all the same.

When he’s sure there’s nothing left to come up, he pulls off some toilet paper and wipes his mouth and his nose. Everywhere stings now. Great.

He slowly pushes himself to his feet, flushing the toilet before dusting himself down.

Cas unlocks the door, his gaze downcast. He washes his hands and washes his mouth out mindlessly then finds himself staring into the mirror.

He looks into his own eyes. He remembers when he looked into a bathroom mirror at the therapy session when he first told Angela everything about Naomi. A lot of time has indeed passed since then. He’s thirty. He’s an adult now.

Cas has a husband, a son and a house now. And a job he loves.

He pulled himself through it last time; there’s no reason why he can’t do it this time.

Last time, Dean had texted him. This time, Dean is outside with his son. And that’s all he needs.

Sure, he’s nervous and it’s made him unwell, but that’s it now. He knows he’s got this. It’s only Naomi and besides, he doesn’t even have to stay long. Before he knows it, he’ll be at home laughing with Dean and Nicky like always.

_Yes_. “You have this. Time to move on completely. Time to say goodbye.” He says before taking in a deep breath. _Come on, Cas. You have this. You have this._

The woman who damaged him as a child no longer has a grasp on his life, and that isn’t going to change. Cas is just being respectful; _being the better person._

“I have this.” He says to himself again, and this is all it takes to get him to leave the safety of the bathroom and return to Dean and Nicky with a sudden boost in confidence.

“You okay?” Dean stands from one of the chairs when he sees Cas making his way back. “Feeling better?”

He nods. “Yeah. Although…I might need a mint.”

Dean huffs amusedly and pulls a packet of mints from his pocket, handing one to Cas.

“Thanks.” He gives a gentle smile, sure that Dean knows he’s been sick. Oh well.

“Sure you’re okay? You hate being sick.”

Cas breathes in deep, giving Dean a reassuring look. “Yeah. I feel better. I’ve got this, Dean. I’ve really got a handle on it now. I think maybe I can put some things to rest.”

Dean wraps one arm around him pulls him in for a kiss. “I’m proud of you. Whatever happens, I love you.” He murmurs through the kiss.

“I love you too.” Cas replies, squeezing Dean in the hug before pulling away and approaching Nicky who is standing on a chair, watching them, awake and giggling. “And I’ll see you soon, monster.” He smiles and gives Nicky a hug before stepping away from the two most important people in his life.

He nods to them before walking down the corridor towards Naomi’s room.

 

* * *

 

Cas works on breathing in and out slowly as he wanders past each hospital room. He hates hospitals with an absolute passion. They’re so _depressing_ but happy at the same time. They’re the cleanest yet the dirtiest places in the world. There’s life and death too. And it’s all rolled into one contradictory, sad building. All of it is just crammed together like it doesn’t know whether it’s coming or it’s going. Even though that’s the point of hospitals, he wishes they didn’t feel so cold. 

Castiel reads the room numbers as he goes along, wondering if after he goes past 34a and 34b, he’ll reach Naomi’s room with a big 666 printed on the door. Of course, anyone would be able to tell he’s feeling bitter about this. Very bitter.

 He finally reaches the right room, and ends up lingering like a lemon outside for a good five minutes. _Come on, Cas_. He thinks. _I need to do this. I need to do this and get it done. Pay respects, say bye, forget her all over again._

Cas makes eye contact with a nurse on her way past, and she smiles at him, looking a little confused because he’s literally just standing there. Cas doesn’t want her to comment, but to his disappointment she stops and tries to make conversation.

“It’s hard, isn’t it.” She has a kind face. Cas wonders whether she’s trained to be calm, or whether she’s just a nice person. Probably both.

“Not in the way you’d expect.” He replies through another deep breath.

The nurse nods and thinks for a moment. “You know…sometimes people don’t deserve the things others give them. In your case, it’s saying goodbye?” She pauses, giving Cas a gentle, understanding smile. He gives a truthful nod, knowing she’s going to continue, so he remains silent. “But…I can tell you…even though it’s tough, it really shows a strength in someone if they do the right thing even if the right thing doesn’t need to be done. It’s a blessing that some people in this world are like that, and you are one of those people. I can tell.”

Cas’ gaze lowers to the floor. The nurse carries on.

“You’re doing the right thing. Virtue is much more valuable and effective than hatred, and I’m sure you’ll discover that fact if you go in there and settle your past.”

Castiel looks up at the nurse, turning the words around in his head. She’s right. He doesn’t need to put on any facades and fake being sad about Naomi. He can just tell himself he’s being virtuous. That makes the whole situation feel better. He’s showing virtue, not anything else. And, if anything, that’s what he was planning on doing anyway, but the nurse has confirmed he’s doing the right thing, and now he feels a wave of calm suddenly making its way through him.

“Thank you.” He tells her, his voice genuine.

The nurse smiles and nods before continuing down the corridor like she didn’t just manage to calm him right down. This is right. However shit he feels about giving Naomi a goodbye – _showing his face after everything she did to him_ – this is the right thing to do.

With that, he opens the door without hesitation and enters the room, slowly letting the door drift closed behind him.

He takes in the sight of Naomi, lying there on the bed all cold and still. She appears to be asleep, but could just be resting her eyes.

Cas notes that she seems to have aged _a lot_ since he saw her last. In ten years, she’s gained several wrinkles and looks very gaunt with all of her hair scraped back off her face. It’s like she’s deteriorated after he left. Sure, she could be a piece of decomposing fruit in a compost bin for all Cas cares, but…yeah, she looks pretty awful.

_Must be the smoking_ , he thinks, going over to the side of the room to retrieve a chair.

He drags it over towards the bed and sits down in it numbly, just staring at the woman who he has managed to cut away and forget until now. He really does feel nothing towards her anymore. He no longer strives for her pride or her stupid approval, or even her acceptance of who he is. He never once missed her, and hasn’t ever thought about seeing her again. Clearly, until today. But today is an exception. He’s doing the right thing even though he finds he does not care for her at all. He’s just being respectful to a dying woman who happens to be his…his _mother_.

Cas resists the urge to shift nervously when Naomi moves, opening her eyes which then fix on him.

She stares at him for a while, studying his face as if she doesn’t completely recognise him.

Sure, he’s changed a lot since she last saw him. He’s at a healthier weight. Partly due to visiting the gym to gain some more strength and party due to eating much better. He’s slim and well-built. He’s lost the last of his baby face shape, and now has a sharper jawline and sharper cheekbones. There are no dark circles under his eyes; he sleeps fine now. He looks _healthy._ She’s never seen him this healthy in her life.

Cas sees the moment it dawns on Naomi, when she realises who is sitting beside her bed.

“…Castiel?” She rasps quietly, searching his face, _staring_.

“Hi.” He replies simply, blinking slowly. He sits and waits, wondering what she’ll say next.

 

* * *

 

“Is it really you?” She attempts to sit up and doesn’t succeed, so she ends up working hard to shove a pillow behind her back to prop herself up.

“Yeah, it’s me.”

“How did you find out…?”

“Dad called me. He didn’t tell you?”

“…no. No he didn’t.” She manages to say before breaking out into a hacking cough. Cas grimaces through it. _Definitely the smoking_.

Naomi grabs a cup of water on the bedside table and drinks half of it down, dampening the cough away.

She relaxes back against the pillows, but still manages to stare at him. He stares back. The atmosphere isn’t necessarily awkward per se, it’s just…vacant. Like there’s just nothing left. Nothing left between them, especially on Cas’ end of the stick.

He looks down at his hands, at a loss of words when he _could_ be telling Naomi what he’s done with his life; the wonderful part of his life in which she wasn’t a part of. And still isn’t.

But he doesn’t. He just sits there. She just sits there. They both just sit there and allow each second to waste away.

Before he gets the chance to think about it, an underlying thought he’s tried to ignore his whole life surfaces, and somehow makes its way into a question that leaves his mouth. “Why have you always hated me?”

Naomi seems a bit taken aback by that. She swallows and tilts her head a little higher, trying to be firm. “I wanted to make you stronger. You were growing up weak.”

Cas huffs, looking away as he shakes his head in disbelief. “So you made my childhood hell just because of that? It’s bullshit and you know it.”

Cas should have known Naomi would try to lie to him. He sees it now; the air of lies still floating around her. She’s too proud to admit the truth. And Cas thinks that, possibly after all this time, he knows the truth too.

“You don’t have to explain actually, Naomi. I already know why.”

“Why do you think I’ve always hated you then?” She snaps at him, her glare icy like he remembers. That was usually the only way she ever looked at him.

“I’ve thought about this for a very long time, you know. But yeah, I do know why. Because, see, when I was born, I wasn’t planned, was I? But you and dad are religious so you wouldn’t get rid of me. But not getting rid of me meant that all of your fancy ass friends would judge you because you got pregnant out of wedlock. You were due to get married three months after you found out you were having me, but you moved the wedding forwards two months so people wouldn’t find out. But they did, didn’t they? They found out when I was three years old. I don’t know how, but your friends found out, and that’s when you started hating me, saying I ruined your life – _telling_ me I ruined your life when I was _three years old_. Do you have _any_ idea what that did to me, Naomi?”   

She remains silent, and Cas sees her bitchy, stuck up façade begin to falter.

“You worked with your friends, and when they found out you _did_ get pregnant out of wedlock, they pushed you away and you ended up with no job. That happened to you because life is a bitch, Naomi, but you decided to blame _me_ for it when I hadn’t done anything wrong. And so, growing up, I had to go through you deliberately not seeing me whenever you could, shunning me, shouting at me, putting me down, and all of that was because of, what, because I simply existed? Because you got pregnant and had me? How was that ever _my fault_? That was _shit,_ Naomi. It was a fucking shit thing you did there.” He pauses and looks away, right at the wall, feeling lots of tension in his shoulders and, well, tension all over, really.

When he looks back, Naomi is looking at him completely differently. Maybe he’s finally hitting home. Maybe she’s finally realising how much pain she caused him. How difficult she made his home life, so much that it never really felt like home. She looks like she’s about to say something, but he carries on talking before she gets the chance.

“You have no idea what you put me through, Naomi. I know you don’t. Like I said, you made my childhood utter _hell_ yet still, all you care about is your pride.” He takes another deep breath. “But this isn’t about that. This isn’t about the past, this is about now. Who I am _now_. And I have completely moved on from the bad time of my childhood. I’m a grown man, and…you are no longer significant in my life, Naomi. Not at all. Maybe you still hate me, maybe you don’t, but because of how I feel about my past and how I feel right now, I’m only here by your bedside because it’s the right thing to do. It’s _decent._ But there are no more chances after this. I know that once I leave this room, I will return to my life and you, still, will not be a part of it.”

Cas wonders whether he’s being harsh, but no. He has every right to say what he’s saying. It’s the truth, and sometimes the truth hurts. Especially to people like Naomi.

 She looks down at her hands resting on the bed, a heavy solemn look on her bony face. “Castiel, I…I’m sorry.” She very slowly moves one of her hands towards him where his wrist is resting on his knee and his hand is hanging limply near the edge of the bed.

He slowly moves away from the bed so she can’t touch his hand, eyes glued to the floor, ignoring her apology. “I have a husband now.”

Naomi hesitates, but asks anyway “…who?”

“Dean.”

“Dean from all those years ago?” She questions. He avoids eye contact.

“Yes, and we live with our son very happily.”

Naomi goes silent, taking his words in slower this time, allowing them to truly sink in. One would think she isn’t _completely_ devoid of motherly affection for him and that maybe she’s starting to care about him, but Cas doesn’t care. It’s too late for that. She can hate him all she wants now. He’s happy in his life and couldn’t care less what she thinks.

Naomi finally speaks. “You have a little boy?”

“Yes.” Cas swallows, feeling a certain calmness drift over him somehow. It’s as if, now he has his confessions off his chest (of course, about him not giving two shades about Naomi or what she did to him in the past. He’s over it now; moved on), he can be steady again. He can feel free. As long as she knows what she did hasn’t affected him in his later life at present, he’s happy.

Cas adds, making eye contact with her now. “And even though all those years ago you said it’d be good that I can’t ‘reproduce’, well, I did. And now, along with Dean, I am a father to the most beautiful, kind child who you will never be able to meet.” He admits. Deep down, he’s always known despite any circumstance, he will never allow Naomi to meet Nicky nor know his name. She, indeed, doesn’t deserve it.

At this, Cas sits back in his chair and waits for Naomi to say something. _Anything_. This time, it’s _her_ who’s at a loss. It’s _her_ who’s the one regretting things. Now _she’s_ the one who’s thinking through her life, over and over and over. _She’s_ the one, in the end, who has caused her own pain.

“Castiel, truly, I’m…I’m so sorry.” She chokes out, and Cas finds himself shocked when her eyes fill with actual tears. He’s _never_ seen her cry. Never _ever_.

He blinks at her, shock still rolling over him. Is this real? She’s too proud to fake cry, Cas knows that. So…is this Naomi finally being genuine? She’s actually genuinely upset? And apologising to him?

He listens to her silently, feeling like she’s reaching right into his head and his heart and twisting things around with her words. Whether it’s a good or bad thing, Cas doesn’t know. But Naomi is finally _talking_. She’s talking _honestly._ He’s never ever seen her this open around him.

“Castiel, I…I know I made it hard for you. I _know_ I did, but…I was just…I…well…you’re right, there was no reason why I should have treated you the way I did. And now I’m on my deathbed and I’m hearing everything I should have heard all those years ago. I…I never even _tried_ to listen to you. All I could think of, was what I lost when you were three, and…not what I gained instead. Not _who_ I gained…and it was _you_. And I pushed you away right from the beginning.” Naomi coughs, all raw and grating. Cas remembers she’s sick. She’s dying. “I’m…I’m happy you’ve moved on. I don’t blame you for shutting me out because…well, I did the same to _you_ when you were little. I’m happy you have your own family. I’m happy you’re married to Dean; that you two have a little boy. I’m happy about…who you turned into and…who you are now. I…read your book…I’m happy you’re happy…I’m…I’m proud of you…” She trails off, exhaustion taking over. Cas watches a single tear fall down her face. He’s frozen in shock.

She what?

 

* * *

 

Cas keeps eye contact with her, his thoughts running a million miles an hour yet they feel so slow, he is able to process each syllable. Did she just…did she…?

He gapes at her for a long time. She waits patiently for his reply. All he can really do is stare, though. No words are even popping into his head that would be able to explain how he’s feeling right now. Confused, angry, conflicted, upset, hopeful, shocked. He can barely comprehend each emotion. They’re all crushing him, all at once.

“You’re…proud of me?” He chokes out, all his other thoughts and emotions heading out of the window and off on a first-class flight to Timbuktu. Those words are the only ones he can focus on.

Naomi nods slowly but firmly, as if she’s actually serious. Which she can’t be, right?

“I’m sorry. I should have been there for you, but I suppose it just didn’t turn out that way. I should have come to terms with myself long ago, but, just now, I am able to tell you…if it’s the last thing I say to you…yes, I’m proud of you, Castiel.” She tells him, her words all slow and calculated. All _meaningful_.

Cas feels something expand inside him; something overwhelming, and it’s almost too much for him to take in. She’s _serious_. She…she said that. She said it. She said it. She _said it_.

Castiel has been telling himself, all these years, that he simply doesn’t care what she thinks. He doesn’t care whether she does or doesn’t think of him in a positive way. But…maybe now she’s admitted it…maybe he can accept it. Maybe he can embrace it and believe it. Believe that she actually admitted she _actually_ cares about him. He thought he didn’t care about her opinion, but maybe he does. Maybe, really, that’s the last piece of the puzzle. The last piece that will allow them to settle things and move on into the future.

His breath hitches suddenly, and he has to look away when he feels a lump grow in his throat. His whole life has been all about _hating, hating, hating_ Naomi and ignoring her, but she has genuinely changed. Come to terms with herself. Right here on her deathbed. And he’s here experiencing it. And he’s here, letting everything get flipped on its side by those four words.

_I’m proud of you._

He doesn’t try to stop the growing lump. It keeps going and going and making its way up his throat until tears start spilling from his eyes. It’s difficult for him to think about. He still _hates_ her. He still hates that woman with _every_ fibre of his being. But…he has her acceptance. And it makes him feel…complete. He feels whole, even though she did what she did to him. That’s all over now, and she’s changed her way of looking at things, even though she’s still an annoyingly proud, stupid-ass bitch.

Cas doesn’t look at her, but doesn’t bother to wipe the tears from his cheeks as they continue to fall. _I did the right thing_. _I showed virtue. She opened up to me. She understands me. She’s sorry. She’s proud. And she’s an absolute fucking bitch, but…she’s my mother._

A sob leaves his mouth and he does try to wipe some tears from his eyes with the sleeve of his hoodie, but they keep falling. He doesn’t know what he’s supposed to think or do. Naomi just watches him silently. She lets him come to terms with her truths. _Long overdue_ truths, but truths all the same.

“I can’t forgive you.” He says suddenly, the words tumbling out of his mouth without much thought. The words are followed by another small sob. He knows he will never be able to forgive her, _never_. And that’s just how it is, but…he feels the truth in her words too. How she’s sorry. “I can never forgive you but…I accept your apology.” He blinks another round of tears out of his eyes, turning to face her and meeting her gaze.

She nods in understanding. “That’s enough for me, Castiel. That’s enough.” She puts softly.

He draws in a shaky breath and nods, wiping his eyes again. “It’s enough for me too.” He admits.

Naomi doesn’t reply for a while, but she reaches over and grasps his arm gently. Somehow she manages to hold on to the place she held on to ten years ago when she was shouting at him, gripping so hard it hurt. Now, she’s gentle and weak. Like she really is a completely different person.

“Go home, Castiel.” She says softly, and Cas can’t believe how much her demeanour has changed since he first entered the room. She’s gone from being her old, concealed, bitchy self to a…well, a mother. A mother he never had.

“What?” He asks quietly, glancing down at her arm wrapped around his own before looking back up again.

“Go home and be with your family. Be with Dean and your little one. Be with them, and forget about me. Go live your life. Go and be happy. I want you to be happy.” There is actual desperation in her eyes, as if he _has_ to forget her for her to be satisfied. “I’ll always be proud of you wherever I am. Always.” She lets go of him. “But for now, you go and be with Dean and your boy. I want you to forget about me and just be happy with those who you really love. Please.”

Cas doesn’t know how to reply to that. He remains silent, staring at her as if she’ll suddenly laugh in his face and say she was joking about every single nice thing she’s said to him in the last half hour.

She doesn’t.

He swallows thickly around the lump in his throat, a few stray tears still falling. Cas is feeling so _sad_ but…he feels so _fulfilled._ And this is it. Time to say goodbye.

Naomi watches him collect himself. She watches him stand from the chair slowly. He stands and stares at her for a few moments before, very slowly and reluctantly, leaning down, arms open.

It feels alien as his arms wrap around her shoulders slowly and a little stiffly, as if he’s testing the water. It’s not familiar and it certainly feels weird since he’s pretty sure he’s never hugged Naomi. She’s never hugged _him_ either.

She reaches up and circles her own arms around his waist, her grip weak. He blinks, staring over her shoulder where his head is situated at nothing in particular. This is it.

Very slowly, he pulls away and holds Naomi’s gaze for a long while. There are no more thoughts swimming inside his head. He’s relaxed and, not necessarily happy, but _satisfied_ with how all of this turned out. He still can’t believe what he’s heard come out of her mouth, really. But he knows it’s true. And he knows they’re parting on relatively good terms considering their past.

Cas takes in a deep breath and takes a few steps back towards the door, keeping his eyes locked with Naomi’s.

He lets his lungs deflate then takes another big breath. “Goodbye.” Cas manages to say through another shaky exhale.

“Goodbye, Castiel.” She replies, her voice reassuring. She nods towards the door after a moment, encouraging Cas to leave and ‘forget about her’.

With one last look at her, he slips out of the room quietly.

 

* * *

 

Cas slowly walks down the corridor back in the direction of the waiting room, feeling entirely different than when he walked in. Obviously.

He’ll tell Dean every speck of detail about it all later, but for now, he’ll do as Naomi said. _Be with the ones he loves._

With that, the speeds up to reach the waiting room quicker, wiping one last tear away from his face. His eyes are red from crying but, still, he can explain it all later.

He sees Dean first who stands up suddenly when he sees him walking over.

As soon as Cas is close enough to do so, he flings his arms around Dean and kisses him emotionally, holding him tight. He runs his fingers through the hair at the back of Dean’s neck, holding him close as he feels Dean relax into the kiss completely after being stiff from being confused. All it really is, is Cas feeling a sudden huge surge of love for Dean and Nicky. His experience with Naomi, if anything, has indeed reminded him how much he goddamn loves his husband and his son. He’ll tell them both every day as long as he’s alive. And he’ll forget about Naomi as she requested, but he’ll carry a lesson from her. _Don’t lose yourself._

He pulls away from Dean slowly, murmuring “I love you.”

“Love you too.” Dean says back, voice low. He knows Cas will tell him about what happened later. But for now, Cas is going to spend his evening with Dean and Nicky and they’ll be happy. They’re going to be so happy.

He pulls away from Dean and turns to Nicky who is watching them quietly, a smile on his little face.

“Daddy and papa kiss!” He giggles and Cas laughs, crouching down, opening his arms. Nicky runs over to him and wraps his little arms around Cas’ neck. Cas holds on to him tight and kisses the top of his head.

“I love _you_ too.” He says to their little boy. “Me and papa love you sooooo much.” Cas laughs and it makes Nicky giggle.

Dean kneels beside them and wraps his arms around them both. “And I love my boys too.” He makes a bear noise (well, Dean _attempts_ to make a bear noise) while he squeezes them both in his apparent bear hug.

Nicky bursts out laughing.

 

* * *

 

**Three Weeks Later**

Cas leaves the church alongside his other relatives (some he recognises, some he doesn’t), holding on to a sleepy Nicky. He managed to make it through most of the service but had started to fall asleep on Cas in the last ten minutes or so.

Castiel secures Nicky’s blanket around the boy more securely when a chilly breeze drifts across the churchyard. He looks around for Dean who managed to get out of the church ahead of the crowd of people.

He’d actually heard some of these people whispering about him ( _“oh look, there’s her oldest son. He hasn’t spoken to her for ten years, you know.” “I’m surprised he came.”)._

Castiel spots Dean across the yard chatting to Alfie and Gabriel, laughing and joking about something. Cas rolls his eyes when Dean’s laugh carries across the yard. His husband and his brothers share a similar sense of humour. _Bunch of idiots._ He thinks in fondness.

Cas looks in the other direction and sees his dad sitting alone on an old wooden bench.

He watches him for a few moments, sitting all still and gazing out across the slowly-fading gravestones. He decides to make his way over to him, walking over the uneven ground (mainly consisting of lumpy grass) carefully until he reaches the side of the bench.

His dad doesn’t look over at him, but seems to clock that he’s there. “Hi son.”

Cas sits down, sitting quietly for a few moments, wondering what his dad is thinking.

“Hi dad.” He replies, stroking Nicky’s hair, feeling the boy clenching on to the lapels of his suit like a kitten kneading its mother’s fur. Cas decides that’s a pretty apt analogy, really.

He attempts to follow his dad’s gaze, but again fails. Is he looking at the graves? Is he looking at the poorly-kept hedge which is months overdue for a cut? Is he looking at the houses in the distance? Is he just far away and not looking at anything outside – just looking around at his thoughts in his head?

Castiel’s wondering is immediately broken when his dad sniffs, and he looks over to see a couple of tears rolling down his face.

“Dad?” He says in alarm, but his voice is calm and sympathetic. “It’s okay to be sad, you know. You lost your wife, and it’s her funeral.”

Cas is confused when his dad shakes his head. He doesn’t need to ask why because dad beats him to it.

“I’m sorry for not doing more.”

“…what?”

“I’m sorry I didn’t stand up for you. Take you away from her even.” His dad shakes his head. “I could have saved you from so much hurt, and I…I’m sorry I let her break me down. I don’t know what happened.”

Cas shakes his head. No, he doesn’t blame his dad for that. Naomi could have broken _any_ man or woman down. Everything that happened wasn’t anyone’s fault but Naomi’s.

“Dad, you couldn’t have done anything. I don’t blame you for any of it. You actually made it bearable. I could trust you, if no one else.”

His dad finally looks over at him. “I really I am sorry for what she did though. Truly, I am.”

“I know, dad. And, still, I forgive you for everything. I know she got to you in the end but…yeah, even though that wasn’t even your fault, I forgive you.”

His dad nods and wipes the tears from his face, seeming to relax.

They look into the distance together, just mindlessly watching the birds fly around and tweet happily. They let the cool, calming breeze wash over them and feel, even though this day is supposed to be sad, freed from any negativity that lies in their past.

“I read your book.” He says, not taking his eyes off the distance.

“You did?” Cas asks. Has everyone read his book?

His dad nods. “Yeah. I…being a writer myself, I know how hard it is to open up as much as you did in that book and…I can honestly say, it really is a beautiful piece of writing. Whenever I look at that blue cover on my bookshelf, I feel so proud of the person you managed to become, despite Naomi. You didn’t let her change you or hold you back, and that is something I will always admire you for.”

Cas listens intently, feeling strange what with everyone being proud of him. It’s not something he’s heard a lot of in his life, and now he’s suddenly hearing it all the time.

“She may have told you already, but Naomi read your book too, all in one night. It seemed to really get to her. I noticed her change after she’d read it, you know? It was as if she finally came to terms with how much her actions had affected you, and how you managed to move on with your life just fine, despite not having her supporting you. And it’s clear how you became the amazing person you are today. And I got that – all of it – from your book. You’d be good at fiction writing too, but…god, you really did well with the one you got published. That’s why it’s so popular, Cas. People like it because you tell the truth, and the reader can literally see you grow throughout the book. It’s a self-help book but most of it is basically an autobiography. You inspired people with your life story. It’s an honest to god masterpiece.”

“You really think so?” Cas raises his eyebrows. He knows people like his book but he doesn’t quite think of it as a ‘masterpiece’.

His dad chuckles for a moment. “Of course! It’s better than my lousy writing, anyway.”

Cas laughs at that, and feels Nicky shift around in his arms. When he looks down, Cas is greeted by those two cute big blue eyes staring right back up at him. “Hey baby, you okay?” He asks, moving one arm so he Can stroke Nicky’s hair back from his face.

His boy nods and Cas smiles, looking over at his dad then back to Nicky.

“You wanna go to grandpa?” He questions and Nicky nods again, reaching out to Cas’ dad eagerly.

His dad laughs and moves his arms to secure them under Nicky’s arms, lifting the little boy up into his own lap. “Hey buddy!” He smiles down at his grandson and Cas sits there watching them, really perfectly content.

A few minutes pass before Cas sees Dean making his way over, so he stands up to greet his husband, a big smile on his face.

“We need to invite your brothers over for dinner sometime. Hilarious.” Dean chuckles at the thought of it. “You too, Chuck.” He adds, looking at their son huddled in Cas’ dad’s arms. Nicky is giggling at him as he moves his knees, making it seem like the boy will fall off before moving back again. He keeps doing it and Nicky’s laughs get louder and louder.

“I’d love that.” Cas’ dad nods before returning his attention to Nicky.

Cas turns around and smiles at Dean.

“Wanna have tacos for our food tonight? Takeout?” Dean questions, hope crossing his face. They don’t have takeout very often. Cas is basically the fussy wife of the family who insists on having some form of vegetable with each meal, so he usually says no, but tonight?

“Tacos sound amazing.” Cas agrees through a smile and Dean circles an arm around the small of his back.

They stand in comfortable silence for a few moments until Dean speaks.

“You okay?”

Cas turns to him, his smile wide and genuinely happy. “Never better.”

 

* * *

 

_Chapter 13: The Final Chapter - Some Extra Notes From the Author _

_The reality of life is that bad things do happen. Everyone knows that, as we all see it and experience it all the time. We see homeless people, we see plastic covering the streets, we see things like car accidents unfold. We experience the loss of a family member - even if it’s a family pet, we experience the stomach-dropping feeling when someone tells us they’ve had enough of life’s unfair games. This pain is everywhere, so how are we exactly supposed to see the light at the end of the tunnel?_

_See it as riding a motorbike through cars in traffic, or navigating around rocks while in a raft, drifting through water rapids. These obstacles are there but we find a way around them; we clear our path as we go along but sometimes we don’t have time to anticipate what lies ahead. We have to just take it as it comes._

_Some say that sometimes there is no hope, but I don’t believe in that. If you get up and fight for something hard enough and let yourself commit no matter how hard and pointless it feels, you will find solace. Whether it’s right in front of you or in the distance, the goodness you want is always right there waiting for you. You just have to make the difficult decision of whether or not to take the extra step and grab it._

_And after you find that solid goodness, you’ll realise that once it’s there, it will grow and be with you more and more on every step of your journey; however small it may be. This is the good coming to you. You don’t have to fight anymore – that part’s over. Now you just have to believe that you deserve it. You need to believe that you are entitled to all of this good. You need to accept that after everything you’ve been through, you can be at peace now. That’s one of the hardest parts of recovering from something. Actually realizing that after everything, you’re happy. You’re happy and you feel good._

_As you’ve read in the previous chapters, I can speak from experience as I didn’t have the easiest of childhoods. I know how it feels to think you’re completely alone in the world with nothing to hope for. I didn’t know how to deal with it, but I found where I belonged and who I belonged with, and he is now my husband._

_I didn’t think I deserved him; I didn’t think I deserved anything. I thought no one cared for me, but they do. After fighting with my demons and bad memories, I learned something very important during the four months I spent recovering. And it is that… when I learned to care about myself, I finally learned that everyone else cared for me too. I found my place in the world which is indeed with my husband and with my son. That, as I have found, is all I need to be happy; knowing I care about them and they care about me._

_All it takes is one beam of light to see you through the toughness that life tries to shove us down with. I had a light and I followed it. I followed it through everything until I was walking beside it; with it. My light was a gateway to all of the good things that have happened to me since. And by now, you may have realized this light is my husband. He led me onto the right path around the obstacles. He’s a huge part of the goodness in my life, along with my son and my brothers and my sister. He was the gateway. He gave me something to hold on to and now he’s given me so much more._

_If you take nothing from my book, just take this: sometimes change is good. Sometimes you just need something to hold on to. Something to allow you to alter your perspective, and see things from such a different point of view, it makes you wonder what in the hell you were thinking before. And, once you challenge that negativity and banish it from yourself completely, then you will feel it. You will feel a true strength, and an infinite happiness about the fact that you simply exist, not as anyone else, but as yourself. And that’s all that matters._

_-Castiel Novak._

_The End._

_**(Novak, C.J. (2016). Taking a Chance. 1 st edn. Kansas City. Kinchley & Yates Books. pp 127-132.)** _ 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, as it turns out, referencing a book that doesn't actually exist is much harder than referencing an actual book lol (*eye roll*).
> 
> Anyway, this is it! Cas is all happy now with Dean and Nicky after having that conversation with Naomi. He was rightfully harsh with her yet accepting, and that's part of his character development - he's doing the right thing, just like our canon Castiel would do :)
> 
> I hope yall enjoyed this story - if there was a particular part you liked let me know!   
> ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯


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